I was listening to talk radio the other day. They were talking about why men lose sexual interest in their wives. Some say it's because they're too tired from work and other responsibilities. Some say it's because of unresolved anger toward the spouse. Others say other things.
One 49-year-old man called in and said that it could often be the result of men no longer being attracted to their aging and obese spouses. That is, men are biologically programmed to feel attracted to females whose youth and physical beauty imply fertility, because men are biologically programmed to spread and perpetuate their genes.
A female caller immediately after him angrily denounced this man as a "child" who needed to "grow up." She accused him of justifying men wanting young, pretty girls for sex and rejecting their wives. I think she was off-base. I think the man's comments were legitimate and not offered as justification but merely as valid explanation of why many men stop desiring their wives. They don't want to feel that way, but they do because that's how nature made them, and one does not simply flip a switch in one's mind and "get over" this programming.
If that woman caller had been a man, I think she would have understood. How easy it is to condemn those we don't understand. We need to stop condemning so much and start listening and opening our minds and hearts to what we hear.
Language, Communion, Trinity, and Stupid Ways to Kill Time
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Yesterday's post got too unwieldy and ended in a train wreck, while this
morning I overslept. Perhaps I can comb through yesterday's unpublished
wreckage...
9 hours ago
236 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 236 of 236Damn, dude. I feel bad for you. I couldn't/wouldn't put up with that. You deserve a quiet affair with a hot, young lady with a great body. It's crazy how women say we're shallow concerning our preferences as if they know what it's like to have a dick.
If Anthropologists can't uniformly agree on the subject I see little point in positing definitive arguments on the matter of man's historicity where human sexuality's concerned. Antediluvian speculation is just that and individuals who reference canonical text as the inerrant word of some higher spiritual authority need further education. In the modern age, marriage is a legal contract two consulting adults sign on to in good faith, for better or worse. Know yourself. If Self-Mastery over base appetites is something you chronically struggle with, why consider monogamy in the first place?
I agree!!
I'm 51, still considered attractive, married almost 12 yrs to a 54 man who is addicted to p**n, and will ogle even the homely girl as long as she is young, scantly dressed, and has the body of a little boy with boobs.
When I discovered all this right after marriage I was so shocked I honestly think I have a condition now!
He's super boring in bed too. His sex has to be head fantasy, he can't deal with true intimacy. No foreplay, no loving. Just him getting off!
MSG to you young women out there. I take care of myself for ME. It doesn't matter how pretty, young, thin, fit, perfect you are. If he ogles and surfs, you will never be his true intimate partner, stop beating yourself up. Stop the crazy bed yoga to recapture him. It doesn't work, not with this type of man!
I have come to the realization I simply picked the wrong man for me and I've been too scared to leave.
At first I did blame myself and think that he was turning me down for (pick what reason of the day).
I'm leaving him, I told him yesterday. It's over and I don't love him anymore. I have a part of my heart with him, but I'm no longer in love.
He didn't nurture it, so it died.
I'm moving in with my mom in 90 days.
I'd like to have a healthy relationship but it may never happen. It's okay,
His sexual preoccupation has wearied me. It's sad, but it's been a long time coming.
BTW I live like a kept woman. He's on the road for work all the time, it's been more and more in the last 4 years. I'm basically a married single woman.
He a good grand dad, step father, and friend to many. But not a good husband.
I was so hopeful when we married! So naïve, I adored him. I always kept a clean home, good meals, fresh laundry, kept myself attractive. I get told all the time I look like a blonde Eva Longoria! For goodness sakes! What happens to these men?
What a waste. How sad.
So I didn't read all 200 comments, just the first few on the first page, but I have to say they left me feeling discouraged. I am twenty-three and close to finishing college. When I had left almost everyone told me that this was the time to find a husband, yet all I've found are men that I think will grow into the men that have written the comments I've read. In this day and age where it is more acceptable for women to wait longer to marry, I find myself asking why I should. To have kids? Not a big fan of them and there are plenty already that need a good home. For the support and love? Sounds like garbage to me after reading what some had to say. So you're basically saying that for maybe the first five to ten years of my marriage will be okay. I will have the love and support of my husband. But as soon as I gain weight and I am not the "sexy vixen" that he originally met, he immediately loses interest? Then what's in it for me? I am now stuck in a marriage with someone who is no longer interested and potentially with kids to provide for. That is not a happily ever after. That is not the goal I want to achieve. After reading this, I don't understand why I should be aspire to be married if I will simply be old trash to my husband.
I think everyone one has their own opinion.Husband love their wife in starting but after some time they attracted towards other women they even don't bother her feelings.My question is what is the women"s mistake?handling his children, working madly for his house and in return he don't even give her a satisfactory
sexual life....
after ready all these comments - If men are governed by their wiring, then women need to be educated on this asap in their young lives. If women were educated on how men really feel & think about them, then you wouldn't have to worry about women wanting to marry men. you could be as free as a bird. the problem arises because women and especially young women, are not educated about what men are really all about. if men are (due to their wiring), not beholden to anyone but themselves, then women need to be made aware of this and it must be part of their education. since most young women are not aware of this, it leaves them wide open for pain & suffering and learning the hard way. the problem however with a free and non committed lifestyle is that the family unit is totally destroyed. so to say that men should be allowed to pursue what their bodies want is totally ludicrous. wiring or not wiring, there is a immaturity level here and no one has even made mention of men making intelligent, non-self serving choices. you are basically saying that what men want, they should have, regardless of how it affects anyone. that is a 100% immature, selfish attitude. you should hear yourselves! no accountability,no caring about anyone else, no caring about anyone else's feelings. it is despicable & selfish - bottom line
Hiding behind your "wiring" is no excuse. not being a loving person is selfish, a sign of immaturity and you don't deserve to hook up with a truly loving woman. You do so much harm to a woman's heart and you don't care? despicable!
Hiding behind your "wiring" is no excuse. not being a loving person is selfish, a sign of immaturity and you don't deserve to hook up with a truly loving woman. You do so much harm to a woman's heart and you don't care? despicable!
"you are basically saying that what men want, they should have, regardless of how it affects anyone"
Who do you see saying that? You don't see me saying it. I'm essentially asking what can and should men (and also women) do when, for whatever reason, they no longer feel sexually attracted to their spouse. Is it fair to blame someone for feeling the way they feel sexually? Answering in the affirmative implies that we freely choose whether we feel sexually attracted to someone or not. But do we? If not, how is someone blameworthy for no longer feeling attracted to someone? And if they aren't rightfully blamed for this because they didn't freely choose it, what can and should they do about it? I agree with the very first commenter that this is an "enormously complicated situation" with no easy answers. But I think we begin to answer it by understanding it as best we can without pointing angry fingers of blame and condemnation at people experiencing this problem.
My husband just informed me that I have let myself go. That he is not attracted to me any more. Here is the thing. I am 5' 7" and 138. I am tall and lean with big boobs. I have a little baby bump. I am not being arrogant when I say that I still attract attention from other males. I do not try to attract other men, I just notice, and I get approached. I dress appropriately. I have had 2 kids. I might not be at the gym everyday, but feel that I have taken good care of myself, wear makeup, long hair. I have moved from a size 2 to a 4. I know other married couples who have very plump wives, and they have sex like rabbits. Here is more info: my husband has been impotent for years, even when there was attraction to me - there was no sex. He is in good shape, but is having a lot of stress and health problems due to a autoimmune issue. The impotence was to due medication that he is required to take due to epilepsy. Soooo.... sometimes sexual attraction COULD be a result of insecurities of "bad performance". Unhappiness and stress at work, depression, health problems, intimacy issues, unresolved anger or bitterness. Sometimes it is not about us ladies. So if I work out at the gym everyday it might make him more attracted to me, but it is not necessarily going to improve our sex life if you know what I mean. The attraction issues can result from a perfectionist husband who is upset that his wife, that used to be a size 0 is aging. It is called reality dudes. I have been disappointed in the sex for years. I never made him feel bad about it, and have never treated him with less dignity. I am choosing to workout. I will do my part. But now I feel like I have to, because I do not meet my husbands requirements. The issue that I have is how differently I am treated, now that I am no longer eye candy. It is like he doest listen or hear me, no interest in what I have to say. It is like my physical appearance related to aging has caused me to have diminished value in his eyes. THAT is what is sad, and feels bad. Another funny bit is that everytime I get my hair done, everytime I go shopping - which is rare, he totally freaks out and makes me feel bad. OK guys, if you want your ladies to look better, let her take care of herself!! I am not talking about overspending and blowing money. But it sucks to have to fight for times a year just to get my grey hairs dyed!!
So, I'm in the same boat as many men on here. My spouse and I are in our late 40's, She was around 130 lbs for most of our 20 year marriage and always attractive and in the last 5 years has gained a little more than 5lbs a year. I hate to say it, although the weight has made her look dumpy and no longer attractive. I can't believe the change in her appearance in just a few short years. Now she's roughly 160 lbs. I've maintained my health and fitness and always ask her to join me and she always has an excuse of no energy no time... We both have demanding stressful jobs and have 2 kids. I do my share of house-work, cooking and taking care of the kids. Honestly, I am not longer attracted to her. When I hint at her losing weight she explodes and tells me I'm a narcissist and insensitive. She goes off like a ticking time bomb if I even hint at her weight and working on herself. Needless to say, her sex drive has also greatly diminished. I was thinking of leaving although am now staying to support my kids. I feel like I'm in purgatory regarding sex and physical attraction. That said, she is kind, loving and a wonderful mom, which makes me feel ashamed for having thoughts of leaving- Arrrgghh!
I loved reading everything on here but i would like to know something. I need a man's opinion. I am a young woman and in great shape, i work out every morning. I am not a body builder, not skinny, and damn sure not fat. I have had one daughter. I was in the military. I am now engaged to this wonderful man. I would like to know if any of you guys would ever get tired of coming home from a long day of work to a home-cooked meal, a naked fiance, and sometimes lingerie. He got home, i had on clothes and he said that he is happy i have on clothes. I never thought men would never get tired of seeing their hot wife naked. Help me understand.
I know this post is old. Today's date is Aug 14 2016 that I write this.
All points of view have an element of truth and on this matter encompass so much. Age, gender, upbringing, religion, origin of birth, stage/age of life and the people you attached to as your friends and spouses, life's events or lack of them. What circumstances and experiences you have had at any given point to how humble you are and how much compassion you have, to how you love yourself and have boundaries.
Left of a 25 yr relationship for a younger version. We had great relationship and built wealth together.
I understand what men feel and their attraction to youth, beauty. I feel it is more than just that. With youth comes naïve which by this age I know I lost. With that age comes new and exciting as one is experiencing life for 1st time. A man with a woman of that age group gets to live youth again with them. It brings back to them the simplicity of life a sense of discovery, freedom and yes being adored by such beauty. Get it. I feel more woman and many do would get all caught up in it as well but we are busy running house, children, other family events and on and on and simply do not have the free time on hand to have our hearts or minds wonder.
Whatever it is, there is truth to all of it to some extent. It is hard for the men to as they get torn and suffer as well although it may not seem so to the woman being left in the dust.
What can one do? Man or Woman? First start by teaching your daughters and sons differently. Teach your children self love, boundaries which all leads to being compassionate and humble. Teach them to be self sufficient but yet vulnerable. Teach them to be a safe person and to discern safe people. To develop a strong circle of trusted people and stay on a good path of life. Teach them how to get back on track by identifying with their feelings, confessing them (to proper safe people) to enable them to make good healthy decisions always for themselves first. Teach them to be a safe person for others. Teach them to respect a high power, whatever that is to you. For ourselves, be self aware. Develop self awareness and love, have boundaries. Create a safe place and people and life your life as healthy and spiritual as possible. Check in with yourself constantly to stay on course.
You cannot control social transitions, historic ways, or others in whatever stage of life and learning they may be in. You can control you, have conviction of who you are and fill your life with like. Always be growing and learning. Never stagnate. If we all do this on an individual level, all the turbulences of life will be easier to accept and overcome.
When men say they are not attracted to their wives and want younger because wife got fat etc.. LISTEN to them, respect what they say. You don't have to like it mostly you won't because you feel threatened by it. That threat of hearing this, you need to handle internally and create a safe place for you. I believe, not all, but many men do feel this way at sometime and I believe they have to be defensive about it as they are told they are bad and that defensiveness makes them look evil and even feel it. It is a struggle they experience as well. They need to be self aware, create a safe place and people in their world. Confess their feeling to safe people and navigate the storm with compassion and humbleness. and they need compassion as well.
We all have life happening to us. We all feel. Those feelings we feel are not decisions by us, they happen TO us. But it is up to us to be self aware, have self love, be safe to others and have safe people, respect a higher power and navigate the storms with as little disturbance as possible.
We have to accept these pains, resisting causes shut downs within and non acceptance of what people are confessing to us. These men come here for a safe place with their confession of how they feel and what they face. Listen to them, have compassion and guide them through this in a way that will not be destructive to them and others.
You actually get it! People get upset because they don't like that things are simply the way they are, but it is very simple.
We are all attracted to what we are attracted to. People like what they like, and once a person stops doing what attracted another person in the first place, the attraction itself stops.
Plain and simple.
Without sexual/physical attraction, there is no romantic relationship. It is simply a friendship, or the type of love you would have for a family member or pet, etc.
Attraction is not a choice, so anyone getting mad at someone else for not being attracted to what they believe they should be attracted to needs to focus more on rational thinking and less on emotional anger, resentment or bitterness.
It's ok to feel those things, the same way it is ok for someone to feel or not feel attraction towards another human being, but just keep in mind that how you feel does not change the complex-multidimensional way in which humans have been designed and wired to operate. Regardless of whatever beliefs or things people wish to believe to make themselves feel better or support what they wish to be true while they condemn anyone else who feels or thinks differently,
FACT REMAINS that attraction is not a choice, people are simply attracted to what they are attracted to, and when we stop or change whatever we did to attract someone in the first place, the attraction itself stops. Without physical or sexual attraction, it is no longer a romantic relationship, but rather a friendship or the type of relationship you would have with a family member or pet.
Unless you consider it acceptable to be in a relationship with a family member or pet, you cannot rationally or factually disagree with the statement(s) I'm presenting. If this weren't true then nothing would stop us from just being able to hook up with anyone and forcing ourselves to like and be attracted to whoever we wish.
Obviously, with all the complaints on here, people are not choosing who they are attracted to. I would find it hard to believe that all these people are VOLUNTARILY CHOOSING to make themselves attracted to people they complain about....
Yes, it is a proven psychological fact that women are attracted to bad boys, but even that isn't a choice because no one *chooses* to naturally have irrational emotions and feelings. Emotion is not logical. Therefore, we cannot logically convince ourselves to feel in any way that we don't genuinely and *naturally* feel.
Hi!!! To be frank I was searching that why men get attracted to others and I suddenly I saw your comment and I think I got the answer. My husband is very nice and kind and I know he loves me but still there are few female Co workers he is fond of. I know that there is nothing wrong in them but the fondness I see in his eyes for them is no more for me....
Yes there us love but not that proud and fondness for me and I believe that reason behind this should be my weight. I am overweight and 125kg. Why the he'll he should be fond of me???? Yupppp need to work out
Very true. When my now ex husband started eyeing his co-worker, I slept with a man 11 years younger than me... and an Olympic athlete. Then I divorced him. So it goes both ways. I don't date overweight or men more than a few years older than me now. I give what I get, and when they stop reciprocating, I dump them.
I've been married for a year and a half. In the beginning he told me when I didn't look good I was beautiful. He could not not touch me as we slept. He kissed me all the time. Today, everything I loved about that is not there. He still does it but I feel like we have talked about it and he has to. The passion is clearly not there when he does. I'm 46 he is 51. He was single for 20 years. I thought I found the one. The night before we got married (destination wedding) I caught him ogling with another woman across the bar. I let it go in the beginning but 15 minutes later I had enough. Yes he knows he hurt me and I did marry him. However I do not enjoy going out in public with him anymore because he has no control over it. It makes me feel so insecure, it sickens and depresses me. He also was subscribed to some Brazilian Beauty sites which I found out afterwards. We have fought over it and i feel that I am in the wrong. But I just cannot stop thinking about it each and every day. I really question my insecurities. Sometimes I think that if we met when I was younger he would have had the best of me and would love me more because he grew old with me. I want so much for this to work. I do trust him but I just feel unworthy or just good enough. It has put a strain on our whole relationship and I spend every day not feeling worthy or good enough for him. I do not know what to feel or do.
I see a lot of shallow, selfless, me-me-me, comments on here. I think many of you asking about the problem of why is he looking at younger women? Did I do something? What can I do to fix this? Is it me? Is it him?
If the both of you are not on the same page in life, sexual interests, physical interests, activities that you like to do together, kids, no kids, before you tie the knot then you are gambling with getting married. It is your own faults that you agreed to this ceremonious law abiding contract. I will tell you what, things change within yourself over the years that is inevitable. You and only you have to work that out. Either leave and go chase someone else, or stay with your original hottie and find that great page of life again with her/him. It is not just you or I it is the combination of the both of you that you have to answer. This is not easy. I do not believe in a god I think that is ridiculous and just a way to pass the buck of things gone wrong in someones life and the cause of all war of course along with money and politics, but this is about two people trying to become one. If you believe, that out of the 5 billion people on this planet that there is only one person that you will be attracted too and that they are 'The One' then you are blinded by the readings you have learned over the years. I say: "You caused this problem yourself." You must learn about your thoughts, buck up and find a person that has the same thinking and then you might be happy, if you are lucky! Do not bring someone else into your life under false pretenses and renege with that person about your lives together. Grow a pair and make a move. Grab your bag of courage and get out. Quit worrying about what others think. Those with kids and are afraid to get out, I get it, it is a bit more difficult, you will have to deal with it and find your other out. Whatever your reasons get back on the same page with them.
Attraction takes effort. Women are equally programmed to want fit, healthy young men, as one's quality of sperm (and therefore genetic fruitfulness) deteriorates as a man ages. Not to mention older men or ugly men are no treat to look at in general for us. If I let myself, I could have very wandering eyes and stop desiring my husband, EASILY. But I don't, because marriage is a collection of vows I dutifully follow. The same behavior should be (and for me, is) expected of men. If you lust after other women, it is your choice. Are you a Man? A human Man? A most amazing creature? Or do you have the intellect and will likened to that of a little male bunny rabit? Yes, grow up indeed. Quit citing illegitimate pop science to justify your juvenile weakness of character.
-Horny Ruby
Wow I don't even know where to start but here goes. My husband is snoring on his chair with the TV on and I am sitting here all alone. I am an attractive woman, I have gained some weight this past few months but I am dealing with a lot of stress and if I had just a little kindness and support I wouldn't reach for food to fill that "hole" and loneliness. I can't blame him for my weight gain but honestly I was asking myself why bother? We have been married 33 years and he has never taken me on a Vacation or dinner or anywhere. He says we have no money, its too expensive. I tell him we can take a walk, hold hands, just talk but he mocks me and laughs telling me couples don't really do that I'm dreaming. I make my own happiness and do a lot of stuff on my own or with friends or my kids. The other day he told me I am fat and disgusting and look like my sisters and that turns him off. I was so hurt it felt like a knife in my heart. I immediately started to cry and told him through my tears that he will regret those words. I have to thank him because I have never been so determined to loose this 20lbs, find a new love and have him pick me up at the front door! Can't wait to see my husbands face then!!! BTW he is going bald, has a beer belly and well he sucks in bed. I really don't miss it from him but I do miss the closeness of a loving relationship and by god I know there is a man out there somewhere who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. Don't get upset, thank them for helping you see what jerks and assholes they are!!!
To all the women sermonizing the men, please understand that you don't know what it is like to be a man and have a dyck. Its like a man telling you that he knows what pregnancy actually feels like. That said, I say that it is NOT okay for men or women to cheat on their spouses, without trying to fix their relationship problems. Some problems are not taking care of health and looks, poor finances, being boring etc. Attraction can possibly improve when husband and wife fix these problems. It won't work out when one or both don't play their role in fixing the problems.
As an aside, be selective in who you marry or date, but not too much. You don't want to regret your choice of spouse down the line. I know people who married certifiably ugly or somewhat boring people just for a better life style or other reasons. Don't make this mistake! You'll regret it very much.
My husband just "accidentally" told me that he is no longer attracted to me because I have gained weight.I was blind sided by this! After almost 24 years of marriage, I didn't see this coming. I felt hurt and discarded. And yes he is balding and looks 5 months pregnant hI'm self! I felt too ashamed to tell anyone. So as a woman who is actually going thhrough this scenario I can tell you that there will be no name calling, no other men, no feeling sorry for myself. Just an intense resolve to get in the best shape I've ever been in. Then, when he's salivating over my hot body AGAIN, I will say "Can't touch this"
Dear dear love your wives; I wish my husband could be as mature, sincere, and incredible as you. I almost can't believe it is really a married man who wrote this. I burst into tears after reading this. I've gain 40 pounds. Men are still very much attracted to me. I want my husband to be attracted to me. I just learned today after 24 years of marriage that he he NOT. Truthfully though, Is it easy to look past her weight? Or do you not make that an issue and enjoy all of her anyway? Whatever it is, I admire your relationship toward your wife. I WISH my husband cherished me like you cherish your wife
Maybe "we" need to start thinking of someone else. All I see on here is people complaining but not looking at themselves. i have been with my wife for over 29 years all to be told I was a "lousy husband and father, fat and undesirable,who'd want you"!!! NICE! I gained a little weight, can still walk quite a distance, climb, lift significant amount of weight, have all my hair and then some, not grey(no dye)and under the RIGHT circumstances, sport a John Holmes special! All to look at no makeup face, ugly clothes, Facebook, Aol, Games,extreme narcissism!Busy busy busy. I even introduced her to some of my "friends" which she didn't care for. (significantly younger and quite attractive) So when she got angry I just explained that she had nothing to worry about because . . . . . "I am fat and undesirable, who'd want me" This is a woman that got full body messages,flowers just because, etc, i modeled myself after all the things I saw that other guys did or didn't do ans made changes. In other words I TRULY LOVED MY WIFE! And she destroyed it with running around,clubs, obligated sex, funky clothes, facebook, games ,AOL, you name it. I should have run around! All to have my testosterone plummeted and going top doctors to find out why! (before this was in vogue!)Now that I devoured myself emotionally from her my health has improved! I suggest this to every guy I meet! In general American women with their feminist agenda are POISON!!!! Young and old! The old one want you to "accept them for the way they are" and the young ones use their bodies to get what they want and when they are all used up cry with all their tattos,bare legs, no makeup face,FAT, kids from multiple "babydaddies", no money. And they all are entitled and bash men for NEEDING SEX! So boo hoo! Finally after getting financially raped by females in this country for generations you are getting yours! GUY DON'T WANT YOU ENTITLED ASSES ANYMORE WITH YOUR FEMINISM! GOOD LUCK! Around the globe men don't want the female from this country!!! WHY? NO VALUE!Remember Janet Jackson, "what have you done for me lately"? "I put on sexy clothes, "I am 50 but look 30" to whom? Your girl friends? I see this crap online all the time, YOUR DELUSIONAL! There are very few out there! If you are thin and in shape, you too lazy to put on a pair of stockings,something sexy(what HE THINKS IS SEXY)makeup(the accept me for the way "I" am), clean simplistic heels,(not those complicated crap your friends think are so en vogue), push back once in a while while having sex, be engaging!How about some nice perfume, no face jewelry, ONE earring in EACH ear(not fifteen who wants to chew on jewelry)How about NOT GETTING TATTOOS! Just like your all running out and getting tramp stamps today! LOL yeah real good choices! They have no loyalty. Just look at the songs today and listen to the words, No love, I want to be with you forever,etc! WHY? Have a nice day this was my t6ake on this!
Between the comments from men and women, both dealing with this issue directly and even the comment from the lady who's husband has lost his desire to please her, I have the same answer for all.
Pornographic images.
Rather it be movies, still shots, longing looks of lust, or imagination. Filling your head with these images naturally brings about more desire for these things. If your spouse does not fit the age/shape/skin color, etc... of these images you constantly fill your head and heart with, she/he will naturally move further and further from your desires. The goal is to make your spouse the object of your sexual desire. The less you look for beauty and lust in others, and the more you look for it in your spouse, the more you will find it and you guys will be each other's strongest desires.
I don't expect there to be any agreement on this sight. I am coming from a Biblical perspective and one of which I have no desire to debate. I am simply providing this to those who truly want to resolve their problem as so many of you have stated, not those that came here for a mere justification and a pat on the back.
23/03/17, unfortunately I have found myself to be in the same position as the many wives that comment on this blog. I still am amazed at how men justify that their primary instincts are to seek out the younger woman to sleep with, but remain with their wives that are ageing (just as the husbands are). My husband looking at me reminds him of his ageing, he is struggling with this fact; He thinks that being (or the idea of being) with a younger woman made them feel youthful and attractive; younger females would not look at them twice, the attraction is purely based on their citizen status, or the size of the man's wallets, or both; The men are clear on this; they won't leave their wives because the women are steady, stable, and reliable. A divorce would see him have to share the assets that the couple accumulated. So let's look at this- Husband with Asian wife, 30 year age gap, two kids, wife obtained citizenship, he got too old to work and keep her in her high maintenance position. She replaced him with ease. He has had two heart attacts with ill health and no one to look after him. Husband with younger wife, 20 year age gap, she did not expect the husband to live into 90s, resented it publicly having to drive him to hospital appointments and the amount of care required to look after the elderly husband. When his time came to demise, (iit took 10 days) the wife on day 1, left him at the hospital, delivered his burial suit to the hospital, contacted the realestate agent to start the process of selling the house, packed up his clothes for the op shop, and contacted the solicitor to make sure that his will was in place; Married man with children, owns a restaurant - starts sleeping with a staff member 25 years younger, wife finds out, they separate, younger female realises that the restaurant is not making a profit, the husband has no money.. She was out of their in a flash. Men have more of a struggle with their own ageing process than women, men need validation that they are still studs, and viral. The men are perfectly conscious that the attraction to the younger woman is the size of his wallet, lifestyle, or citizenship status, or all of the mentioned. However; the men are willing to enter that arrangement to feel young, youthful, looked up to etc. to have that magical feeling of the past. Just like their wives they will reach their expiration date that is tied to the mans usefulness such as money, lifestyle and ability to have sex. A husband does not leave his wife is because he is hedging his bet, to have the stability, care and genuine love of the wife, who will look after him during the retirement years when he is sick, and support him through the tough journey life and marriage, whilst keeping face with his children. The wife foolishly thinks she is inadequate, a beast of burden, repulsive, obnoxious and out dated. Because this is how her husband is treating her and makes it excessively obvious lthat this is his opinion. To all the married men, I wish you luck as the outcome with a younger woman is doomed from the beginning, built on the foundations of your temporary usefulness. Stop using the its our programming excuse and be man enough to say I'm shallow and superficial. Be careful for what you wish for. I am not my husbands charity case, I will not watch my husband demoralise me and then be expected to care for him when no body wants him anymore. He was told your either all in or all out.. Choice. While we no longer live together, I have no problem letting him see what he had. I collected the Harley the other day with my son for a ride, when he asked me what I was doing I said -time share, in the same manner that I had to time share your body, and if I break his favourite possession like scratch the Harley, I tell him that I'm too tired or not interested in discussing the matter. Amazing how this infuriates him, woopsy.
The problem is not about age or fat. There are tons of old ladies who are fucked by young dudes like there is no tomorrow, period. And not for money, but because of passion. All of these old ladies have something in common, they are extremely passionate about sex. When you end in bed with the spouse and she is starring at walls, when all she can do is a slow, dry handjob as prelude, it's extremely frustrating for us, men.
We want passion, wet pussies and spread legs. We want to see the whore inside our spouse, not our mothers. That whore disappears after some time and a totally asexuate being appears. For example, as I am writing this, I just cancelled a "baby dance" with the wife, because she, again, behaved like hundreds of times before, in a total non sexually way. She is ovulating right now, yet she has no desire for anything but for me impregnating her.
Sorry but this is definitely not my "poison", I am not just a sperm donor, I am much more. I can do it 3 times per day if I encounter the right person, but with the wrong one, even 1 time per day seems too much. I like sex alot, but in my terms, which is "a decent woman that shows some desire". Don't show the desire, then don't expect me pumping into you, it ain't gonna happen.
Oh girl I'm in the same boat....my husband no longer cared that I too have physical needs and continues to deny me. He let him self get fat. I work out and other men say your hot. He would rather just stare at naked young porn stars than make love to his beautiful wife. Then he had an affair with an overweight older woman. I'm done.
This is pretty simple if you ask me so you'll have put your feelings away. Men are neurologically wired, anatomically equipped and hormonally driven to want multiple partners. I've been married 10 years, wife is fitter than ever, she has me intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, but my desire for her sexually has diminished. It's not her fault, nor mine. The real issue is in our thinking about it. Fortunately, my wife and I had this conversation and let me tell you what, her understanding in the matter made me love her even more. ALL WOMEN KNOW men desire multiple women, but then berate them for it. Maybe the problem is with this cultural ideal monogamy. Why should men cater to the woman's demand and not the other way around? There no right or wrong here. It's made up. My advice, get someone you can be TRULY honest with, even right down your own primal desires.
I find this entire conversation very interesting. Many of the views have thoughts I have never considered and I have enjoyed reading them.
I am 11 and 1/2 years older than my husband. When we married 24 years ago - I weighed a LOT less than I do now (80 POUNDS) ... illness (breast cancer and subsequent double mastectomies) and the death of a child have caused a lot of the weight issues -- so I have aged faster than my husband. He is still in very good shape and looks younger than he is. He is a great person, a wonderful kind man.
So, do we desire each other the way we did at the beginning? No.
I frankly think my weight and illness have a lot to do with it -for both of us in different ways. My husband denies it - but I think this is something he just does not want to "see". We have a very comfortable relationship and we are both able to talk about anything to each other - we are both very secure in who we are.
I often opt to take my vacation alone as I like to travel to places my husband doesn't and I need time to myself. He takes shorter vacations on his own and does theater and city type things (I always encourage him to find a date for the theater events - going alone seems so bleak). We are both very faithful to each other - I have no fear that he will cheat on me. IF he wanted to have a sexual encounter if he was discrete and handled it appropriately - I would not have a problem with it. Not that we have an open marriage, but needs are needs. Cheating is another matter. If he were to handle it inappropriately (lie to me, embarrass me, take time from me) then that would be a problem). I do know that his feelings on this are different so he does not take advantage of this option open to him, and I do not have this option in the relationship - but that is alright. I knew that going into it. He is more traditional.
So, to me, a relationship is far more valuable than a sexual encounter. But he chooses to stay monogamous as do I. I wish there were a way I could get into better shape and be more desirable for him but it is doubtful with my health issues that that is possible. So where does that leave us? Hmmm. We are very happy, well adjusted, open people. Neither of us is jealous or frightened or grasping. We both have either careers or vital interests... but sex. Hmmm. Well that's an interesting connundrum. My husband chooses to be "true" to me. I hope it is worth it. And he will probably out live me so he will have a clear conscience and find love in the future perhaps. Me? I'd like more of a sex life but lets face it, I'm still very tired from the chemo and just feeling very lucky that the cancer is gone for the moment and happy to have such a great husband so it's not such a bad deal.
So, my view on this subject is as follows. I believe that if two people who have very health egos (in that they are not needy or dependent or frightened) are in a relationship it goes very well. You can be free to discuss any matter in that kind of relationship. You can face any issue in that kind of relationship. Especially because as an adult you understand that loving a man (or woman) and caring about that relationship and being honest are the most important things. Sex, sexual encounters or needs can be handled in this type of relationship because as an adult you understand the difference between long term love and a persons short term passing need - if they have it.
Perhaps I am different, I do know that there are many in Europe who see relationships in the same light as I do. I believe we Americans -- perhaps because of the religion in this country or some other issues specific to living here that I am not aware of -- hold a very inflexible view of relationships - an "all or nothing" view. It is not a healthy view in my mind but then who am I to judge. But then again, I do not think much of people who judge. lol.
Lets face it guys, we are fed our notions of what women should look like and it's tightly associated with idea of sexual desire ...as the best Pavlov experiment could ever be.
We are all with flaws, some just mask them better than others. There is "surface" and then there is "substance". Most all ideas on the surface seem awesome. Marketeers know this!
When you see an image of what you've been *conditioned* to believe will offer you all your hearts desires, a bubble of fantasy has been created. Reality can never compete with a fantasy bubble.
So instead of getting sucked into these ideas of what a person has to have to be happy, to be seen as virulent, tune into yourself and discover what truly makes you feel fulfilled to the core, not just titillated on the surface.
Good luck!
There is something no one is talking about on here, and it should be mentioned. So many of these men here are suffering from low testosterone. It's a whole other topic of discussion as to why it is happening, too lengthy to go into, but when these men are no longer able to find their wives attractive, unable to get erect, etc. Go get your levels checked! My wife has gained 40 lbs since we married 15 years ago, and I'm after her like a horn dog teenager all the time. Her every curve is gorgeous. Guys, stop watching porn. She's more beautiful now than the day we met, because of what we've been through together. So much sacrifice and heartache. She's given everything of herself to have our children. They are a token of her beauty. For you women out there, this blog is a bit heartbreaking. There are these natural 'tendencies' it is true. But as both husband and wife turn their life to Christ, He can help us all overcome these obstacles of the flesh. We all have them, and the temptations that go with them. It's just part of the mortal experience. Women, don't give up hope. Your value only increases as you age gracefully. And to that guy who says women have no value after 35 years of age... is it bad that I feel better imagining you after rolling around on a fire ant hill? J/j, you'll come around, just hope it's sooner than later, but life will teach you.
This is a fascinating thread. I don't want to post unless there is someone still reading it. It is July 22, 2017 today. Is this thread still active?
Yes, Linda, this thread is still active. It is far and away the most active thread I've ever had for a blogpost here. Your comments are most certainly welcome.
I still find my wife physically very attractive even though we’ve both gained some weight. I’m losing quite a bit now and getting back my muscularity and she is upset that her diet hasn’t been as effective. Still doesn’t change how I feel about her. The only thing that is starting to turn me off is her complete lack of interest in sex. Our twins are nearly a year old. She’s been home from work since about three months before they were born. I am working two jobs and I am away a lot. When I am home I am a super-involved Dad, but I have to give her the kudos for all she does with the kids while I’m away. But when we are together, I’m still quite aroused by her, and I have to basically present a thesis on why we should have sex and even then, it rarely works. She says she’s still very attracted to me but it’s hard to believe. She says she doesn’t care that I’ve gained weight but I am super critical of my body. I was always an extremely fit man before we were married and it’s still important to me now both professionally and personally. Between work and the babies I get it innwhenever I can (sometimes at work it’s possible) but I try to let my wife go to whatever events or classes she wants to with her friends when I am home. She is super-tidy and I’m less so, and I know that effects her a lot. However, that was never a problem before the babies were born. We used to be very sexually active and I don’t know how long I’m supposed to go begging for it or getting nothing or grudgingly little. Thing is, it’s still good when it happens - it just doesn’t happen often at all. I’m as tired as she is, so why haven’t I lost my desire for her but she’s lose her desire for me?
This is a very interesting read. I'm a 50 year old woman, good looking, still have my model cheek bones, in shape and still turn heads.
I admire both sides for giving their honest POV, but at the end of the day I feel many of the men are being unrealistic.
I rarely see attractive, fit older men. Some exist,but most older men who think they are attractive do not meet model standards by far.
With this in mind, I feel the issue is something both parties should address while dating. Although I can understand looks playing a part in sexual attraction, I could never be attracted to anyone who has an issue with their wife gaining 20, 20, 59 lbs - especially after she has given birth to your children.
I feel if many women where aware of these attitudes prior, they would not have married their current spouse.
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