Where Things Stand

The other day, my wife and I watched a film dramatizing the real life of a young woman who went from being the child of inattentive drug addicts to earning a full scholarship to Harvard in two years of high school study while homeless. It's an incredible story. This remarkable woman saw where her life was headed if she continued along the ominous way she was going, and, when given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take a different path, she resolved to pursue that path with everything she had and see what happened. She might fail. But she had to do her absolute best and see where it led, and it ended up leading to amazing and wonderful things.

I may be at that point in my own life. There's still enough money in the bank for me to get help and carve out a new course in my life, but I have to resolve with all of my being to make the most of my opportunity while I still have it, and do my best to see what I can accomplish. I may fail. I may be so defective that I can't make it in this world. But if I'm not, I need to find out now before I and my wife end up out on the streets or relying on family to take us in. If it reaches that point, I would rather die than go on.

I've contacted a psychologist about undergoing a comprehensive neuropsychological assessment, I've contacted the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation about receiving assistance from them, I have a coding exam in September to study for, and a nine-week billing course beginning on the 11th of this month. I need to resolve here and now to do the very best I can, and I need to find a way to follow through with that resolution in the face of profound self-doubts.

When one is virtually convinced that one is doomed by deficiency to fail, it's next-to-impossible to do anything to lift oneself out of the morass of pessimistic inertia. But I MUST find a way to do it.