Monday, July 31, 2006

Today's Conundrum

Practice can be stated very simply. It is moving from a life of hurting myself and others to a life of not hurting myself and others. That seems so simple--except when we substitute for real practice some idea that we should be different or better than we are, or that our lives should be different from the way they are. When we substitute our ideas about what should be (such notions as "I should not be angry or confused or unwilling") for our life as it truly is, then we're off base and our practice is barren.
-- Charlotte Joko Beck, in Everyday Zen
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

If I hurt myself and others now, how can I stop doing this without making myself into someone who doesn't hurt myself and others? And if I make myself into someone who doesn't hurt myself and others, how can I do this without making myself into someone different than I am now? And how can I make myself into someone different than I am now without thinking I should be different and wanting to be different than I am now?


dr.alistair said...

you cannot. the change becomes catastrophic and irreversable. it is a sort of death and we go through immesurable pain as a result.
example; i am recently seperated and have met a woman who has caught my attention. we have met socially with others and exchange e-mails. she wanted to consume my professional services but i wanted to see her personally. i e-mailed her my feelings and we agreed to a date.
last night we met for coffee and talked and then, suddenly, she made her excuses and drove away.
i was and still am devestated, but ir ealise that she is free to come and go as she pleases and that i was maybe expecting too much too soon and so i have been rationalising all day just to calm my pain.
i have no right harm her and must move toward healing myself over this. i will see her again. she said she would be at starbucks again on tuesday night. i will be better then and not project so much out to be disapponted again.......and just enjoy her beautiful smile.

Nagarjuna said...

I hope that you and she are able to meet again and reach some kind of understanding.


dr.alistair said...

well, i think i made too much of a first date.......i will undoutably see here again but i have to realise that i`m rebounding really badly, and it has taken all of my training to get with myself and not ruin whatever the future may hold by putting stuff on her that she doesn`t need. she will be at starbucks tomorrow night with friends and i have to relax and take her company as what it is. a blessing.
the irreversable change that i have gone through over the years has enabled me to not obsess over her and call her and manipulate her. that person doesn`t exist any more.