Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Once upon a time, a friend fell off a roof and injured himself badly enough that he had to remain in the hospital for several weeks to recuperate. I visited him once and wanted to go back, but he asked me to do him a favor the next time I came, and I never went back for the same stupid reason that I haven't done a lot of things in my life that I wanted and needed to do.

I know that my friend never completely forgave me for that, and I never really forgave myself. I think that unfortunate incident helps to explain why he and I are apparently no longer friends. It's no doubt just one of several reasons, but I suspect that it's one of the bigger reasons when you come right down to it.

There are so many things I'd do differently if I could go back in time knowing what I do now. One thing I'd most definitely do is go back to that hospital many times to visit my friend.


Anonymous said...

I think perhaps you are once again being too hard on yourself. You have not said what the reason was for not going back, but you do suggest that the reason is something that has prevented you from doing many positive things in your life.
Maybe, the truth is that you actually weren't able to go back. Whatever the reason, maybe it has actually physically hindered your ability to do the things you want to do. If so, I am of the mind that you have to accept the limitations as a matter of fact and do your best to work around them. Not to say that you shouldn't try to overcome the things that have hindered you, but to be honest with yourself and those who your limitations have effected; to ask forgiveness and to forgive yourself whether your friend can forgive you or not...

PS I am not the last anonymous in the "What Should the Sentence Be" thread... the last anonymous was someone else, mutilating prisoners is not in my mindset.

Nagarjuna said...

I feel embarrassed, if not ashamed, to admit what it was that kept me from going back, but that's all the more reason for me to do it.

My friend asked me to bring him some weights so he could work out his upper body a little while his leg healed. I wanted to bring him the weights. But the hospital was a large one, and I get lost easily. I didn't know where to park close enough to bring the weights in, or how to bring them in, or whether I'd be allowed to bring them in, or whether I'd be able to find my way with them to my friend's room without having to ask over and over for directions and still get lost. And so, rather than risk the discomfort of going through all of that or of telling my friend my reservations about bringing the weights and still going to see him with or without them, I did nothing but stay home and feel bad.

I told my friend after the fact why I didn't come to see him or even call him, but he could never really understand my neurosis, and I know he never really felt from that point on that he could depend on me as a real friend. And why should he?

I don't beat myself up over this. It's part of the past, even though I think it's had unfortunate repercussions that extend into the present. I just hope I learned a lesson from it that will help me never to let anyone else down the way I let my friend down then.


Anonymous said...

Well, as I try to remember my blog address(it has been awhile since I blogged:) I found your blog and I felt lead to say... God knew what he was doing when he created you and you are absolutely necessary to his plan.. your honesty is refreshing. We have all felt like you feel at one time or another.. our regrets might be different but we all have them... Also I would like to add that I like Tony Robbins.. he gives something of value and naturally people want to give back to him in the form of their money nothing wrong with that...

In the Spirit of Friendship,