Saturday, July 08, 2006

I Don't See How

"When someone else pisses me off I don't believe that the responsibility is even partly my own."


This morning, I said goodbye to a friend. I wish I hadn’t done it. I wish I’d given myself more time before I gave up on a friendship. But I felt so weary of walking on eggshells with him and so hopeless that it could ever be otherwise that I impulsively bailed out. I feel bad about it. But I don’t know what else to do. I like this person. I would like to have a lasting friendship with him. But things happen when we communicate that I don’t know how to handle, and I feel worn down by continuing to try.

Some would say that if I really value his friendship, I’ll keep trying to find a way to preserve it. But to what end? So that he and I can keep having misunderstandings and upsets over ridiculously trivial things? So that we both feel as though we have to cautiously watch everything we do and say around one another?

I don’t feel strong enough to deal with it. Even so, I might hang in there if I thought it would be of any benefit to him. But I don’t see how it would be to him or to me to go on the way we’re going. And I don’t see how we can make it go any differently.

5 comments:

dr.alistair said...

that`s a tough one brother. many times there are things we need to say to people that go unsaid and it just adds to the tension. that level of control, or the will to control, is extremely fatiguing and sometimes saying good-bye is the only answer. there are those who`s spiritual growth is at a point where they need to be in controlling relationships. this co-dependancy is a prison that needs to be escaped at all costs. it sounds as if you have recognised that to some degree. we are conditioned through obligation and conscience to feel guilty by being strong enough to break away from such binding obligations.
church and state work hand-in-hand to install the guilt that binds.
as i write more i believe that escaping guilt is how we start to become free.

Nagarjuna said...

It IS a tough one, because I don't really want to bail out of our friendship. But I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells every time I write to him, and I feel a sense of unease every time I see that I've received an e-mail from him, because I anticipate that he might have said something that doesn't sit well with me.

I'm not sophisticated enough to analyze the psychodynamics of our relationship. All I know is that I feel uncomfortable with things as they are, and I haven't a clue as to how to change their nature or, at least, my emotional reactions to them.

Namaste,
Steve

dr.alistair said...

all you can do is to change your own reaction to the e-mails if you feel that would be effective. i don`t understand the dynamics of your communnication with this person but i am concerned when a fellow traveller has issues in a relationship and is pained as a result.
to understand what element of his e-mails you are reacting to would be the first step to helping you to reconcile the issue.
these are personal issues and i`m in no way suggesting that you share unless you feel that you are able and comfortable.
cheers.

Nagarjuna said...

I think you're right that if I try to maintain a friendship with this person, I need to focus on changing how I react to him rather than on trying to change or on waiting for him to change his behavior.

As pessimistic as I tend to feel about my ability to do this, I'm struggling to keep my mind and heart open to the possibility that I can and that this unfortunate episode can turn into a positive growth experience for me and perhaps even for him.

I have also been doing as you suggest and contemplating just what it is in his e-mail and in my perceptions of him that I'm reacting to and why.

As always, thank you for you input.

Namaste,
Steve

dr.alistair said...

you are welcome. imagine yourself just plainly reacting differently to the e-mail......just honestly accepting what was written. see yourself doing that and with the love in your heart just let it go off into the universe. this is a new opportunity so there is no pre-conception about how it has to work out. you can choose to just let it go.