Thursday, June 29, 2006

Bleak Reflections

My wife feels depressed. She didn't get the job she was counting on, and she wonders if anyone will ever hire her in that field. She spent six months training intensively for it, passed her certification test, and no one will hire her. Why didn't the instructor tell her from the outset that she would almost certainly not find work in that field unless and until she improved her English? Why didn't we figure this out ourselves and go in a different direction? And if she can't find work in that field, what field can she work in where she can earn half-way decent pay with half-way decent benefits? She was raised by parents who always worked hard and expect their children to do the same, and good Thai children do what their parents expect of them.

As for me, my self-confidence diminishes by the day. I grow more convinced with each day that I am profoundly defective in an overwhelming number of ways cognitively and that my career prospects are bleak at best, and I don't know what to do about it. Get up off my ass and do something? Do what? Do it how?

I wish I had never married my wife. I love her, but she deserves better than she'll ever have with me. I've done some bad things in my life, but marrying her was the worst thing I've ever done because it has tied a precious human life with so much beauty, intelligence, and promise to someone abysmally lacking in almost every way.

People who read this blog have commented before that I'm not seeing myself realistically. But they judge only by what I write or by what they know of me from superficial interaction in person. They don't begin to know me as well as I know myself. They don't see the things I struggle to understand and do every day that normal people understand and do without effort. Writing is just about the ONLY thing I can do with any proficiency at all. But I don't begin to do it well enough to make up for all of the other things I can't do or can hardly do at all.

I won't always feel as gloomy as I do now. At least not in the forefront of my consciousness the way I do now. But these thoughts and feelings are always beneath the surface to fill my mind and heart whenever I'm able or compelled to take a look at reality as it is rather than how I would like it to be.

I feel lost,and so does my wife because she's stuck in a foreign country married to a loser. That is my naked reflection for today.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are being too hard on yourself.
First figure out what you want to do, then pursue it with the same passion with which you write this blog(you do a good job on this blog, and you are gettting better all the time). Perhaps you can find a way to make cash off this blog, maybe you can post advertisement of some sort, at any rate your attitude isn't doing either you or your wife any good. There are viable opportunities for you if you seek them with intent.

DO you have a college degree?
DO you have mechanical ability?
Can you go to work for a newspaper, or a radio station, or alocal television station? I think you said you live in Vegas, can you work in a hotel or a Casino?

Normal people just like you and me pursue these things and get them everyday.

Anonymous said...

Look on the bright side. You could have married someone who didn't deserve you. You give us all hope.

Jess said...

I hope you don't feel as gloomy as your post leads me to believe you will for an extended period of time. I have a favorite quote that Helen Keller was supposed to have said and I am going to give it to you now,,,READY>>Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight."
Has she thought about an English immersion class? I am sure they have them up there in Sacramento where you are. You did not figure it out, because you probably did not know at the time it was required for placement at a job. If nothing else, she can take this experience and learn from it for her next interview. I know someone up there actually from Britain that is semi retired now from her job and she might help you. Do you want me to e-mail her and see if she has some suggestions for you? It's one of my e-mail buddies from the Catholic forums.

"I don't know what to do about it. Get up off my ass and do something? Do what? Do it how?"

Have you thought about taking any vocational testing to see what you would be good at? To see where yuor talents are? There are lots of assessment tools available online, you could look into. I did one a while back with one of my friends who is a manager at an employment agency. I think it was Mapp or something like that. I will get a website link and e-mail it to you tomorrow when I can get in touch with him.
I am not going to even dignify the rest of the low self confidence stuff, and how down you are on yourself right now with comments, other than you are better than that and you damn well know it. I will keep reminding you of it any chance I get to. SO THERE. You need to see what others see in you and it's just not the time for it yet. Sorry for getting upset, but you are one of the most generous, giving and kind people I have encountered next to miss Te, and I don't like seeing you so down on yourself, So much for my not commenting on it ;).
Do you ever stop for a moment to think about the fact that your wife chose to marry you? There must be something good in a person when a "precious human life with so much beauty, intelligence and promise" makes you her life partner. You know you always have an alternative. I hear there is a resident psychologist/life coach attached to one of the blogs you gave me the link to. No, not that one, Will Harriman's partner I believe, is a life coach. Might want to look into something like that where you have an outlet for all this negativity I am seeing. I WILL NOT have my friends getting all negative on me, not right now anyway. Well it's late and I am done nagging you for the time being,plus I am drained of all energy. I'll look into the other stuff tomorrow and get the info to you. Sleep well and I will talk to you tomorrow.

Finding Fair Hope said...

What wonderful friends you have here, Steve! I was so stunned to read this post yesterday that I couldn't think how to console you -- but these are valid suggestions you're getting from your readers, and all of us know you not to be a loser at all. I hope it's not a sign of clinical depression, in which case you must seek help. It seems instead to be a state of guilt triggered by one incident. From what I know of the situation, you love your wife and she loves you; she is very competent or she wouldn't have gotten as far as she has, and it may take time to sort out what to do as a next step. Believe that it will get better and work to make that happen.