Saturday, February 16, 2008

Why Men Stop Desiring Their Wives

I was listening to talk radio the other day. They were talking about why men lose sexual interest in their wives. Some say it's because they're too tired from work and other responsibilities. Some say it's because of unresolved anger toward the spouse. Others say other things.

One 49-year-old man called in and said that it could often be the result of men no longer being attracted to their aging and obese spouses. That is, men are biologically programmed to feel attracted to females whose youth and physical beauty imply fertility, because men are biologically programmed to spread and perpetuate their genes.

A female caller immediately after him angrily denounced this man as a "child" who needed to "grow up." She accused him of justifying men wanting young, pretty girls for sex and rejecting their wives. I think she was off-base. I think the man's comments were legitimate and not offered as justification but merely as valid explanation of why many men stop desiring their wives. They don't want to feel that way, but they do because that's how nature made them, and one does not simply flip a switch in one's mind and "get over" this programming.

If that woman caller had been a man, I think she would have understood. How easy it is to condemn those we don't understand. We need to stop condemning so much and start listening and opening our minds and hearts to what we hear.

120 comments:

Night Stranger said...

This is enormously complicated. It's very easy for men to understand that young women are more attractive than older ones, but the fact that it doesn't necessarily cut the other way is most infuriating to us women.

Women have great difficulty accepting the reality that their desirability diminishes with time. Plastic surgery, rather than solving their problem by providing eternal youth, usually only makes them look odd, exacerbating the situation. It would be funny if it were not so sad.

Men who truly love their wives may lose some sexual drive for physical reasons of their own, as well as the reality that the fresh-faced beauties they married are less appealing than in the wedding photos. Looking at an aging spouse has got to be a reminder of one's own mortality. The reaction to a bright-eyed and flabless princess is a lift whether you are looking for it or not.

Which is to say, you can't blame the man for his reaction and you can't blame the woman for her reaction to it! One can only hope that there is enough love there that, though desire may lessen, in need not disappear altogether just because there is less physical beauty. There should, under most circumstances, be enough in the mutual history to override the temporary excitement of a youthful encounter.

Nagarjuna said...

You're right, Night Stranger, this is "enormously complicated." And I agree that you can no more blame women for their reaction than you can men for what the women are reacting to. Beyond that, I don't know what the solution happens to be to a pretty big problem once it arises in a relationship. I guess one place to look for solutions is by carefully examining relationships where this problem hasn't arisen and seeing if there's a way to bring what they have into one's own relationship.

Dredston said...

I am going to have to be truthful. Honestly I have lost a lot of attraction to my wife because she has gained weight and she doesn't understand it, nor will I ever tell her because she will get mad and call me every horrible name in the book for feeling this way. But I tell you the truth when I see very attractive women that are either her age or younger I really lust for them when I know I shouldn't. Not actually verbal to the other women, but in my mind. I have a weakness for tan with dark hair or spanish with dark hair hot women. It's an issue that I need to resolve and I know this, but it's challeging. I love my wife, but her weight has turned me off sexually. My wife use to tan, get peticures, and manicures but no longer. She use to weight 125 now she weights 145 and all of it is in her stomach, not spread out. I honestly just like physically fit women, my wife unfortunatley has let herself go to a certain extent. Again I love her, but I also wish that she would care more about her appearance like she use to. I hope this doesn't make me a horrible person feeling this way.

Nagarjuna said...

Dredston--
You have a "weakness" for women who are tan or Spanish with dark hair, mine is for pretty Asian women. Fortunately, my wife is Asian and still pretty, but that doesn't mean that I don't look at younger and prettier women and feel desire for them too. And, for the life of me, I don't know what either you or I can do to stop feeling the way we do about other women. All we CAN (or so I hope) do is make sure that we don't go beyond "feeling."

I don't think I need to worry about that. I'm getting up there in years, and I'm far from being either rich or handsome. The only women who've clamored for me lately (or, for that matter, ever) are the bargirls in Thailand. Fortunately, my wife was with me at the time. But you're a lot younger. And you have a wife whom you love dearly, just as I do mine, but who is putting on weight and doesn't seem to care as much about making herself attractive to you as she used to.

I've heard it said that most men who complain about their wives letting themselves go should take a good look in the mirror. Are you as physically fit as you'd like your wife to be? If not, now is a good time to start working on it. And maybe your wife will want to join you in your workouts at the gym or at home.

Beyond that, I don't know what to say. I could say that if you REALLY love your wife, that love should triumph over mere trifles like physical attractiveness, but I can't say that because what should be in an ideal world is not always the way it is in the real one. We can love our wives and still not feel turned on by them. And if we don't, can we or should we even try to force ourselves to act as though we do?

I don't know, my friend. But I wish you the very best.

Efrodam said...

As a smart attractive woman who has actually gained weight from giving my husband children. I would have to say Oww!! This is not a perfect world we live in. But let's face it men are aging and gaining weight just as we are. Most men don't look at themselves I mean really look at themselves..We find younger toned tan men attractive and desirable as well but we don't want to ***k them. Ok maybe we do, just like the desire woman have for bigger ...you know yes I said it.It's about self control and growing up and being a descent person. Yeah we all have desires, we have eyes don't we. Still when a man loses desire for his wife you cant blame the wife...Your barin is a sex organ and if your brain has been taught not to love one for their true self.

Then, I beleive your own insecurities are at question here. If you leave your wife for someone younger than when you said you loved her you probably ment her looks.

Am I worried about aging yes we all are. But everyone is born to die and aging is part of the process.

Anonymous said...

efrodam-I totally agree. my husband has gained about 80 pounds since we got married and I find him as desirable as I ever have. These men that are saying that the women gain weight and then we are just not attracted to them anymore are deluding themselves. True love and True affection transcend physicality. I don't think it's the wifes weight that's the issue, I think these men are just not "in love" anymore.

Nagarjuna said...

But then you aren't a man, and it may well be that men tend to be "wired" differently so far as how they mix love and sexual attraction or confuse the two.

Anonymous said...

Gentlemen,

I am currently going through a similar problem, If only my wife had put on 20 lbs! She is now over 300 lbs and I have no desire for her at all. We now live as brother and sister, although I avoid going out with her as I am embaressed by her size. We have tried to talk but she fails to follow through on anything agreed. I would leave but love my children so much I cannot do it? If you wife has gained 20 to 40 lbs then make every effort to love her and work with her. For me its probably too late.

Nagarjuna said...

Many people will say that if you REALLY love your spouse, you'll still desire them no matter how fat they get. But I think this is simplistic, and I have to wonder if they're really being honest with themselves when they say this or if they're just spouting quixotic platitudes with which they've been inculcated since childhood.

I'm fortunate that my wife isn't fat, and she's very pretty. A lot prettier than I am handsome, that's for sure. :-) But at least I try to stay in shape and don't let myself get fat.

I don't know what I'd do if she got really fat, and I don't know what she'd do if I did. I hope we never find out. I also hope that you and your wife are able to work things out, although it sounds like a rough road ahead. I'm sorry that's how it is for you and wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

I cannot understand WHY any man who is true to his nature would want to be stuck with one woman for the rest of his life...

To me, marriage has NEVER made sense to me. I don't care what you say or what you think, it's just not natural for a man to want to be with the same woman for 30+ years.

After a woman gets past say age 35 she is simply NO LONGER attractive to a man and it goes down hill fast from there. By the time a female is in her 40's she's just another old cow and what man want's an old cow??

Women are essentially worthless to a man once they loose their beauty and youthfulness.

A real man would just stay single and never get married. He would just enjoy having sex with as many women as he can throughout his life. If nothing else, at least you can have some PEACE in your older years and not have some old cow irritating you all day!!

Yes I'm 100% serious and I'm a 41 year old man who WAS married for 7 years but now happily divorced and FREE!!

Anonymous said...

Looking for a site to answer my question as to why men lose interest in sex I found this site very informative. I love my husband and used to enjoy sex with him, but now it is more annoying than anything else. His max time is about two minutes and he makes no effort to understand how frustrating this is for me. Yesterday he blamed his lack of interest to the fact that he used to look for me and I always rejected him. We have sex if you can call it that maybe two times a month. He gives me all kinds of excuses. He is tired, he feels more relaxes in the morning but still a two minute man. I have asked him straight out if he is no longer attracted to me because then at least I would know. But he is always avoiding the issue. I am 46 years old and look pretty good for my age. I have gained some weight but not so much that It would make such a difference or so I think. Other men find me attractive but i am not interested in other men. I am sexually frustrated and if he won't understand that then unfortunately I must stray because just as most men need sexual intimacy so do women. Then the shit will hit the fan and what we have been trying to avoid will happen. I always feel that if it weren't for the kids he would have left but now I just want it to be over.

Anonymous said...

Dredston, It amuses me that you think going from 125 to 145 makes your wife unattractive. That is insignificant if you have been with her for many years and, let me guess, she probably had a couple of children for you. I could understand it if she had gained 50 or 100. Have you considered that most women gain 20-40 pounds with one child? Society makes women feel as if their purpose is to give men children, yet when we conform we are penalized for gaining weight. I am an attractive 40 year old woman with 2 children. I too went from 125 to 145, and my body is still hot!! That type of weight gain is not letting yourself go. Why don't you think about the reason you got married in the first place. Do you want to end up a lonely old man who people laugh at because you are such a joke? You won't be able to "keep it up" forever! Good luck trying to stay young and desired.

Nagarjuna said...

Anonymous, you say it amuses you that Dredston "thinks" that his wife's gaining 20 lbs makes her unattractive. It sounds to me as though it's more a matter of how he FEELS than of what he THINKS, and I wonder just how much control a man (or woman) can have over how he feels about things such as this.

Anonymous said...

Women like men who are young and attractive too. If wanted they ocould get them too for one night stand, just like old men can get youung girls for one night. or may be two ,3 4.

Howevr women resist their need thinking, its bad to cheat on once young, not erictile disfunction guy for younger ones. its simple.

Anonymous said...

Well, there's a saying "Show me the most beautiful woman in the world, and I'll show you a man who's tired of f*cking her."

Youth and beauty is no guarantee of keeping a man around, but it doesn't hurt. Wives should never let themselves go, but even if they don't men are still on the constant look out for something new.

One of the most common complaints from women old and young, lovely or not is their man eyeing up other women in public. Between constant competition and a media that serves up images of beautiful young things a lady's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

As a woman, I make sure I'm the best I can be mind and body. I'm fortunate to look younger than my age and that increases my ability to bounce back if my husband's eyes wander. I just have to accept that the men who will be interested in me will be 10 - 20 years older.

Anonymous said...

I just turned 47 and have been with my husband since I was 16. We are dealing with this very issue now and it is nothing less then heartbreaking for both of us. I use to be stunning, tall strawberry blond with bright green eyes. I still feel like that same girl but alas even though I think I look great for my age I am still knocking on the door of 50. My husband was proud to hang me on his arm and I felt like I had the world at my feet. I think it was this false arrogance of both of us that got us here today. It started with him looking at every young thin girl he saw, then came the occasional impotence, then the fighting and tears, and then finally some really deep soul searching by me as to why two completely happy people would drift apart and how this midlife crisis could undermine all our hopes and dreams. I understand how a man works and it took me many fits of rage, nights up crying my eyes out, and many a prayer to God to finally see it. It is a hurdle that I am not sure we can get over but I will try. I think the most heartbreaking thing is to see him getting older, all the well defined wrinkles, he has 60 pounds extra on him and yet he goes unscathed from age. The hot young girls still come on to him because he owns his own business and in the south baby that is "golden". I on the other hand, take care of myself. I could stand to lose 10 pounds but I work so hard at being........young and while I will continue the fight till I die it will not bring back my youth so truly this is a problem for us women. We MUST get ourselves to a place of centered happiness and let them go if they want to leave. It cuts at my soul because we have children who deserve two parents but what I am learning is that this slowly will destroy me to fight this fight. I am becoming more and more insecure and I can feel the grips of depression coming over me. Us woman are wired to believe in the fairy tail. From birth we have filled our closets with carriages, princesses, and knights on white horses. Our wedding days are the realization of the kingdom that awaits us. Men are wired that to get the hottest woman and the most sex is the name of the game. You can not make someone be attracted to you if age and outer beauty is their standard.
Woman must let go of the fantasy and be strong enough to be able to stand on our own with or without our men. The most beautiful women in the world can not hold on to their men so we must forgive ourselves for aging. If we can truly find happiness within ourselves we will survive this and maybe our men will love us the more for it.
I know I helped our problem to it's end. I stormed off hurt after each oogle, Bled the "why do you look at other women" to DEATH. I created the nag I said I would never become by my own insecurity and pain. It is sad but true. The reality is that my husband will probably sleep his way through the southern trailer trash once we are no longer together and I am sure at first he will be happy and perhaps one or two will get pregnant and he may regret his decision. I will always love him and I wish I could take myself back in time and be that gorgeous 25 year old for the rest of my life for him. I would do it if I could but I can not. If we as married couples can not be 100% honest with our spouses and can not work through this issue then perhaps marriage is out dated. It is devastating for us women but I will survive.

Wonder Monkey said...

I wish there were dates on these comments!

Anonymous47y/o - your post is a beautiful soliloquy to a tragic cause.

There's been a lot of talk about the issues raised in this post lately (summer 2011) and I wanted to give visitors a bit of direction once they finish the comments. Look up Dan Savage, or see this Slate podcast: http://www.slate.com/id/2297799/ or the NYTimes article it links to. Some people are going to be wired differently, and hopefully some of us will keep an open mind to new relationship dynamics where strict monogamy isn't the gospel rule it used to be. John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women from Venus) has been publishing some good work on the subject lately too.

Hottie Okla. said...

I am a 55 year old woman who every man stares at ,i am beautiful and tan,long dark Hair,most guess my age at 39 years old ,my problem is my live in man of 3 years does not want to have sex with me any more its been 6 months?...he is jealous if others look but he dont want me or ever touch me,never hugs me or kisses me,should i dump him? i have tried to talk to him but he refuses....also i am scared at my age to change he has made me feel older and he is only 45 years old,but he never compliments me anymore he use to,i have gained weight but he says it not an issue for him ...he knows i get looked at everytime we go anywhere..someone tell me if i should go on with my life without him or try to work this out,he takes pain pills everyday and highblood pressure meds.I still love him he says he does love me but i am starting to wonder if i am just a free place for him to live...so tell me what you think ladys and guys I need your input....Hottie Okla.

Anonymous said...

I am a 55 yr old woman ,my fiancee is 45 he is no longer attracted to me ,he hasnt had sex with me in over 6 months,its just getting worse no attention at all, no kissses no hugs?I am a very attractive lady that men stare at daily..most think i am 39 yrs young...but i dont want to cheat but it has crossed my mind,I am tired of no compliments or attention,he does have an erection problem but does not like the effects from Viagra or Cialis...he wont talk about our problem we have only been together 3 yrs .he use to mention marriage but no more..i am a little heavier than when we first met but he says that doesnt bother him,he is not a real attractive man but i still love him and respect him he stays here rent free and helps pay bills ,at my age i am afraid to look thinking no one will want me ,i have always had a High sex drive and still do,so do i spend the rest of my life with NO sex or make him leave ,Guys ladys tell me what you think,Hottie Okla.

Anonymous said...

I'm 25. Men who risk good women to chase my peers are fools. What they're after is an illusion. It's not real. Your family, your wives, your kids... that's real.

If you don't believe me. Fine. Go chase your dreams. I'll be at the club with your wife introducing her to a few of my good friends.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous / 47 your situation is very tragic. Although I am only 29, years from now I can see myself in your position. And that is truly sad to say.

Steve said...

I'm saddened by most of the comments here, and I wish I could offer wise words that would help bring resolution or at least consolation. But I don't have any. This is a very challenging problem that it sounds like many people are facing in their daily, lonely lives. The relationship that is supposed to help bring them fulfillment through lastingly deep and intimate relationship with a beloved spouse or partner is tearing them apart inside.

What to do?

Anonymous said...

This issue is very relevant to me, even though I am only 26 yo, and a single male. More and more I come to the sad conclusion that the whole concept of marriage is flawed from the start, given that it was created in times when people didn't have a great chance of reaching old age. Nowadays it's different, and the aging thing is just a wall that I simply cannot scale. I already know that my sexual attraction won't "grow old with me" and throughout my whole life I will be attracted to women of roughly 25 - 35 years of age. I am sorry, because I realise that this will sound hurtfull, but the truth is that middle age-to-elderly women I don't simply feel indiferrent to, I fell truly repulsed by their sight. Thus, it would be very dishonest on my part to get married to any one woman, making her think that she will be attractive to me all the way, because I already know that she won't. This is somewhat tragic situation for me, as I'm very very far from the whole "Game" attitude and life-style, and I feel like I am a naturally monogamous man. But, in order to be monogamous, I need to feel that attraction, which I know will simply not last too long. I just don't know what to do with this.

Anonymous said...

I am a 21 year old woman who just got married to my army sweetheart. We had been dating for 4 years, have lived an active duty military life for the past year and have been married for 6 months. Now before I dive into this let me just start off by saying, he is not cheating on me, and this I know for a fact... Let's just leave it at that and I saved the "he's cheating on you" commenters from wasting their time. Please leave the rude, sexist comments at the door as well, it's not needed. Just because your bitter about life doesn't me everyone else is and wants to hear your negative crap.
Before we got married all he cared about in bed was pleasing me, but for the last 6 months we've been married he's been very selfish in bed. We used to have sex everyday, but now we only have it once or twice a week. And when we do, he doesnt care anymore about making me orgasm ( which he knows how to do easily) it's like someone turned on a selfish switch in his head and that's all he knows in bed. I know it's pretty common for a guys only goal in bed is to blow a load but my guy used to be one of those rare guys that values his woman's orgasm as much as he does his own. His change of behavior in bed not only makes me feel neglected and sexually frustrated, but makes me feel like he's losing sexual interest in me. Why else would a man not care about pleasing his woman out of the blue. I am helpless. I've tried everything, I've bought dirty outfits and experimented with different positions, I am always giving him random "jobs" in the shower and in the car. And I never get anything back. I've had this conversation with him before and he focused on me more for about a week then it wore off again. I'm desperate. Sexually frustrated. Are any other woman dealing with this at my age? It concerns me that in 21 and beautiful, I've got a nice body and havnt gained any weight since we got married, so what's up?! How about it girls, any of you dealing with this and how did you handle it with your husband?

nesa said...

Hi I came to this website trying to find out what went wrong in our marriage. All I did was have three children, work hard and tried my best to be a good human being. But things got in the way. After 24 years of marriage where I believed he was faithful, I now know I was wrong. I just trusted too much. And although he has become fat ( but wealthy), he can get the whores who want him. I am attractive and I am hitting 60 but everyone outside our circles think I am 35 - 4o years.Did that stop his wandering eye? No. There is no answer to this issue except to walk out and leave that fat asshole on his own to figure out what went wrong.Women must separate themselves from the toxic waste bag. When you leave them, there is no more thrill for them to hurt you( because they hated their mothers or sisters) and they wont find it thrilling to go after another woman cos there is no wife to get upset.
Leave the scums.
God created us equal, so there is no such garbage that men are made this way and women are made another way. God made us in His image.Both men and women.
Follow the devil guys. He sure loves you enough to take you to where he has a palace waiting for you.
I am in the same position as the 47 year old anonymous women who is battling all kinds of feelings she never knew she had

My dear, you are beautiful, you are desirable, You are a good woman. You are loved by those who deserve your love- your children. Children know right from wrong so their opinion is more important than that of a pervert who is your husband.
If you cant leave him ( like me, I'm stuck by conventions)then leave him mentally , emotionally and physically whilst in the same house. Have nothing to do with him. You are one of the suffering millions. Rise up and become the person God meant you to be.Good does not always triumph over evil but it will be recognised for eternity. As a woman, know that you are loved by women like me.

Anonymous said...

I would love to gobble down a pizza or burger and fries every day when I am hungry. I would love to smack the jerk across the head who cut me off in traffic. I would love to grab your money from your wallet and play hookie from work going on a spending spree on your dime. I would love to smoke weed and have cocktails everyday because that would be so fun!!! And I would love the thrill of flirting and screwing new exciting partners...but I don't. Why?

C-o-n-s-e-q-u-e-n-c-e-s......like.....getting fat, going to jail, becoming an addict, and.......HURTING MY HUSBAND AND KIDS.

Men, if you've got a good woman at home who has done right by you all these years......and sometimes she hasn't.....but if she has......don't be a knuckle dragging male baboon and follow your primitive caveman boobish instincts to dump her and trade in for a newer model. This is baboonish male behavior and you must evolve past it. Just like I don't gobble wine and burgers and hit people who make me mad, you should not dump a good woman for a younger gal. This would be just horrid for you to do to her.
Be an evolved higher thinking man and take the high road.
Do not let your inner knuckle dragging caveman lead you down the path of an old fool who abandons and betrays his own wife and family.

Anonymous said...

I found this article very interesting being married to the same man for the past 22 years. It certainly sheds light on why for the last 14 years, his sex drive has dwindled. I do appreciate the honesty presented here.

I'm facing this problem -> my husband's lack of desire for me (or disinterest) and I've recently been told that I'm gorgeous! I'm tired of trying to "start a fire with a burnt out piece of wood" and quite frustrated since I still really want sex and he makes one excuse or another and don't want to stray.

I think most men need to develop a level of maturity here, and live up to the commitment they made (man up!) ... Love the person for who they are and who you grew old with. For certain, they are NOT the handsome young men they used to be either!!!

Anonymous said...

I found this article very interesting being married to the same man for the past 22 years. It certainly sheds light on why for the last 14 years, his sex drive has dwindled. I do appreciate the honesty presented here.

I'm facing this problem -> my husband's lack of desire for me (or disinterest) and I've recently been told that I'm gorgeous! I'm tired of trying to "start a fire with a burnt out piece of wood" and quite frustrated since I still really want sex and he makes one excuse or another and I don't want to stray.

I think most men need to develop a level of maturity here, and live up to the commitment they made (man up!) ... Love the person for who they are and who you grew old with. For certain, they are NOT the handsome young men they used to be either!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I´m Maria, 47 years old. I was an average good looking young girl, won a few beauty conteste. I had my fair share of pretenders, mostly just interested in my physical appearance as means of fulfolling their physical sexual pleasures. I say physical because to me it was spiritual as well. I learnt to distinguish the pretences. There were a few older men, some considered by my parents as frinds, married, who tried their luck with me,but of no avail, as I was always firmly convict of my beliefs and to me that wasn´t right. At the age of 20 I fell pregnant, in love and believing I was loved for who I was as well. My first few years of marriage was like riding on a rollercoaster. My husband fulfilled my sexual desires because he looked at me with desire, touched my body with such desire in his eyes which consequently turned me more on. I misunderstood that look for love and my love for him grew. He often mistreated me, misunderstood me and doubted my honesty and devotion to the point of becoming agressive, both verbally and physically. I misunderstood that as jealousy but often wondered if he did really love me. Then again he had qualities that I couldnt deny and I was determined to prove my love for him. A few years ago he started believing and trusting me, which made our love grow, and our sexual life was extasy. A year ago my body started changing. I started losing the firmness in the right places, put on a few kg( I weigh 72Kg and weighed 55Kg). The look in his eyes started fading away, he stopped passing his hands over certain parts of my body ( the flabby parts) and my heart started cracking. It dosn´t bother me what others think but ti loose that look in his eyes is like dying a little every day. Before he use to arouse me, now its mostly me doing the foreplay.
That´s what happens when a man thinks too much of physical sex as pleasure and forget that spiritual lovemaking is much more beautiful but for that to happen you have to see beyond the physical, you have to feel...not see!!

Anonymous said...

To the Anonymous 41yr old who was married for 7 years and now divorced. Your an incredible Ass***e. Why did you even get married in the first place? Sounds like you are a very selfish man. What goes around comes around and you will get yours one day.

Anonymous said...

One poster said that God made us in the image of him and that is correct. You're a dirt bag asshole if you think it is natural to have a wondering eye and the desire to stray. I've seen a lot of men let themselves go to shit and their wives stick beside them as devoted as ever. I don't believe this is a male or female issue, it is a sorry excuse for thinking way too much of yourself and being selfish and not giving a damn about the other people who have no other choice but to share your sorry life with you. A devoted spouse deserves a devoted spouse as well and your children deserve better than to be taught your crap by example. If you feel that way about your spouse, you need to just admit that you do not love them, anymore, and get the hell out of their lives and give them peace and the chance for meaningful and true love. You, on the other hand, cannot have your cake and eat it, too. You're holding on to what is comfortable because all of your needs are met, besides having eye candy, and if you left, you would have to start doing everything by yourself and for yourself and if you lucked out getting you a piece of eye candy, chances are she is going to expect the royal treatment because your an old piece of shit and she can find better odds anytime, but you, you're gonna have to fight like hell to keep her and your gonna do more giving than you'll be getting. Hopefully, for your exwife's amusement, your sweet little young thing will dump your old ass when you get boring and your balls start sagging.

Ladies, a real marriage and real love does not go like this. Love is patient, Love is kind.....look it up in the Bible. It will tell you a lot about yourself and if your not living by it, then you need to change you. Obviously your wife is living it because she is still married to a dirt bag asshole. Those of you men who do not feel this way about women, right on! Your lives will be happy, full, fulfilling, and meaningful. You will die, a man, that was loved much (by the same woman) and respected, especially if you have daughters. Women, love yourselves and don't, for a minute, feel like you have to put up with shit like this. You deserve better.

Steve said...

I agree that "a devoted spouse deserves a devoted spouse," that children benefit by seeing good examples of mutual devotion from their parents, and that older men who leave their wives for younger women may well end up unhappy.

But I disagree that a man who no longer feels attracted to his wife or, at least, thinks it's natural for men to feel attracted to other, younger women is a "dirt bag asshole."

I do think that men are more predisposed by their biology to feel attracted to younger women and that, while it's noble for men in committed relationships to try very hard to remain devoted in every way to their intimate partner, sometimes they just aren't able to do it. That is, romantic love and sexual attraction on which romantic love is often built and by which it's frequently sustained, are not necessarily just a function of sheer willpower but vitally depend on other biological and psychological factors.

In other words, sexual attraction and love ARE, as Night Stranger commented, "enormously complicated."

Moreover, parenthetically speaking, I think that one who quotes the Bible as infallible authority as to how men and women should live their lives might want to give second thought to saying things like, "You're a dirt bag asshole if you think it is natural to have a wondering eye and the desire to stray...Hopefully, for your exwife's amusement, your sweet little young thing will dump your old ass when you get boring and your balls start sagging." That is, dehumanizing people and openly reveling in their suffering doesn't seem very "biblical" or Christian to me.

Anonymous said...

I am married to a 35 year old male, who has been with women who were 18 - 28 years old. I am 21 years old to this day, and I have a concern that my husband is still talking to gorgeous 26-28 year olds. How do I know what is causing him to lose interest in me? I have tried talking to him about it, he always says we don't have enough sexual intercourse, but at the same time when I try he doesn't want to because it is at night when I'm mainly aroused, you could say. I am asking for help. Not too sure if this is the right place for advice. I thought I should try. If anyone reads this and could help me out, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I am married to a 35 year old male, who has been with women who were 18 - 28 years old. I am 21 years old to this day, and I have a concern that my husband is still talking to gorgeous 26-28 year olds. How do I know what is causing him to lose interest in me? I have tried talking to him about it, he always says we don't have enough sexual intercourse, but at the same time when I try he doesn't want to because it is at night when I'm mainly aroused, you could say. I am asking for help. Not too sure if this is the right place for advice. I thought I should try. If anyone reads this and could help me out, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Annonymous, if he is not interested in making love when you want to make love and it is all on his terms, that does not sound fair. He is being selfish and needs to realize that he is not the only one that has needs and it should not be only on his terms. Sounds like he has control issues. If he would give in to allowing himself to love you when you are in the mood, he may find that you would be more in the mood when he is as well. You are 21 years old, and you deserve a better sex life than that. Give him a run for his money and switch it to your terms. Sounds like he takes you for granted.

Anonymous said...

I have been married for 22 years and love him dearly.For the past few years my husband said he just lost interest in having sex with me.We went to marriage counseling and I realized Im a bit too aggressive sexually for him.I always desired a lot of sex.Maybe 3-4 times a week..and i must say I am open to try just about anything.He says I am sexy and I give him what he needs to get excited but the feelings have changed for him..He does not desire me anymore like that.He feels a lot of pressure ,He feels I get mad at him if he dosnt want to be with me.which I must admit I did, a lot .but now im just trying to figure my life out.He always told me to just get a boyfriend.He said I deserve to have a man desire me.and He would like to have the same.one night partner,.every once in a while.Swing clubs are not an option for him.He wants his privacy.I think being with just one person your whole marriage is a little crazy.It seems like marriage is changing and lasting relationships need to be re-evaluated.I want to spend my aging years with my husband,and so does he.We have fun together and enjoy our family,s and friends together.Its really about finding passionate sex .We both still want that but he need something different.I would just be with him.He still turns me on.But if we both just explore some intimate time with another person whats wrong with that.It takes a lot of trust ,and commitment to each other to not let things get out of control.We have not moved into that space yet.I just wanted a little advise..

Anonymous said...

I understand and appreciate the male biological drive. However, I must say that biology is no longer the only factor that drives statistics and reality today. The advent of the "pill" has changed things.

First, women also desire buff, fit, attractive men. It's in our biology to desire the "alpha" male - this is why girls probably passed you up for jocks, hot guys, and bad boys in high school and university. This programming doesn't go away with age either. In nature these alpha males had the monopoly on females, and regular guys (beta males - 80% of men) rarely got to mate. Just look at primates like gorillas. When an alpha got sick, wounded (from defending his females from other males) or old, he was usurped by a younger, stronger, fitter young alpha male. The females did not follow the defeated alpha male, but just adopted the new alpha male as their mate. If a human woman defies her biology and mates with a regular guy (beta male), the least he can do is be grateful and stay loyal. Females in nature are always on the look out for the fittest potential father for their offspring - they scrutinize males for health, fitness, and age as well (who wants to mate with an old man who will die before the kids are grown? who wants a poor guy who can't provide resources? who wants an unattractive guy to have sex with forever?). Whereas males mate less discriminatingly with as many females as possible - an odds game. So men, please watch your appearance, too. Because your woman is hard wired as well to desire the best (why do women go gaga over doctors and lawyers?). Even at 40 something, she could always dump you for a slightly younger man that is fitter/more attentive than you or a significantly older man who has a fatter bank account (if she stays fit and he doesn't want kids).

With women grabbing degrees and jobs that would have previously gone to men, men aren't excelling professionally as in the past. That means that if you're barely making ends meet and not making serious bank (like a lot of men today), you'll be less appealing to younger, prettier women (they might as well date hot guys their own age). Also, your lack of money will not woo older educated women who may out earn you. So it's becoming increasingly important for you to start looking good for the ladies (especially if you aren't Bill Gates). Everything goes both ways in real life. Just ask any single man over 35 today. If he isn't really successful/wealthy, he'll tell you how women nowadays want a guy who's 6 feet tall, muscular, full head of hair, earns MORE than her, smarter, funny, considerate, etc. Women are ridiculously picky these days, probably because they no longer rely on men as providers and hence are less willing to "settle".

Also, women cheat just as much as men do, and women file divorce more often. Those are hard facts that defy biological reason, but are the new reality. So men of today can continue to justify themselves with their biological imperative, but that will not help them to survive and be happy in TODAY's world with all these confounding factors. Just food for thought. Best of luck to all.

Anonymous said...

I can keep myself fit, but aging is inevitable. I want to be loved and desired. Hopefully I can be while I'm still young. I don't want to hold a man I love prisoner when he no longer wants me. I wish polygamy were lawful, so that he would at least still hold me once in a while even when I'm old.

Anonymous said...

Wow. What happened to falling in love and growing old together. EVERYONE has physical faults whatever they may be. Married people, turn the lights down low, look into each others eyes and remember. You didn't marry your spouse for their looks even though that may have been the initial attraction. Have fun together, grow old TOGETHER remember why you love one another.

Anonymous said...

I love how men like to say our humanity raises us above animals. Then try to use their "animal instincts" to defend their actions. Guess what...NO ONE WAS EVER SUPPOSE TO BE MARRIED. WOMEN INCLUDED. very ancient, and wild people didn't have hospitals, antibiotics, SUPER immune systems to fight off a high infant death rate. Also, when a man gave her a child that was still born, genetically weak or simply left the women who had his child for another location, guess what the woman did? THEY ALSO REPRODUCED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Men. Shut the hell up, it's not just you, we also you to hop around partner to partner. People weren't the the perfect monogamist breeding machines. We were essentially like every animal, fucking machines where matrimony did not exist for BOTH WOMEN and men. People that want to get married need to discuss this BEFORE they get married because men forget, with babies, comes weight that is naturally carried on wider hips from the baby passing through the birth canal. If you're a man who likes super thin girls, DON'T EXPECT KIDS. Childless couples are statistically healthier & happier anyways for that reason.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You sound like a real jerk and I feel sorry for your wife. Men weren't designed to be fathers at old age - they can't provide adequate resources or protection for the females they impregnate. It's not biologically sound. Your problem sounds more like a social thing - you're going through a mid-life crisis. You didn't get enough tail with pretty women when you were younger. Now that you are old and you are starting to see the finish line, you are looking back at what you missed out on. There's nothing wrong with that - we all do it with different aspects of our lives, yours is just the sexual part of your life. But to say that it's your biological tendency when you are really too old to be fathering children (whether you are physically still capable or not) is ridiculous. Men aren't meant to be banging 20 somethings when they are in their 40s or 50s or 60s, that's why nature created erectile dysfunction and saggy balls. And that's why those 20 somethings usually have no mutual interest in older men (see, if it was biologically normal, females would have evolved to like old guys back). But in my experience, my friends and I just laugh at old guys behind their backs when they approach us. Dude, please be grateful for the woman by your side. Most men are LUCKY some poor woman has committed to putting up with them for their entire lives. Most of those men are ingrates for not realizing that and pretending that they have 'choice' in life and pine for pretty, younger women. Just because you are attracted to something, doesn't mean you could ever get it.

Steve said...

Like I said in my original post, "we need to stop condemning so much and start listening and opening our minds and hearts to what we hear." Many older men can't help feeling more attracted to younger women than they do to their older spouses. It does seem to be a biological predisposition. And I'm guessing that more than one older wife feels the same way about younger men.

You can call them all "jerks" and self-righteously denounce them, but I don't see how this does anybody any good. I can't see how you can shame a person into feeling attracted to someone they no longer feel attracted to.

kel69 said...

you know I have been reading all the comments and I have to say that I agree with some and disagree with some. I'm a 42 yr old woman average build I look at myself as a plain jane, however when we go out I have several men either looking at me or approaching me, in which I always make it a point to let them know I am with someone. My boyfriend is soon to be 47. I got on here to see if I could find out what happened between myself and my boyfriend of 4 yrs. We have had our ups and downs and even have separated a couple of times but have always gotten back together. We both work,however, he participates in suppossedly occassional drug use, I do not use drugs. He went throught a spell from Dec to March last yr where he wasn't working, he lost his place but is currently working again and getting ready to move back into his own place. we haven't been intimate in just over 2 months, he used to kiss me all the time for no reason, come up and touch me and want to have sex all the time, and now nothing, no hugs, no kisses, no snuggling and the only time he kisses me is when I drop him off at work. When I ask him about what's going on he says he doesn't know..he is tired from work, he has alot on his mind. He said its not like he doesn't get aroused cause he does but I don't know when or where cause he doesn't with me anymore. Before, anyone goes there, No, I haven't gained weight I'm the same size that I have been since we have been together. I am starting to think that he is seeing someone else even though he tells me he isn't. I don't know what to think anymore. My heart is breaking and I don't know if I should just call it quits for good and move on, even though that isn't what I want. some input would be appreciated.

Anonymous said...

I have struggled with this issue for a very long time. Unfortunately, I don't really have any1 I can discuss this with so might as well get some opinions here!
My husband and I have been married for only 6 years but I don't think he is interested in me sexually or emotionally.
And I have felt this way since the beginning of our marriage, tho granted our marriage was arranged. And with it being arranged he wasnt forced into it- he was dying to meet me before our marraige and wanted to chat & hang out after our engagement. But then after marriage, I feel like I married some1 else. And after kids- argh! I just feel like his right-hand man: literally just cook, take care of the kids, pay bills, clean the house, and help him out with his work related stuff. Sex: almost non-existent! And when it happens, he wants foreplay for himself and I'm supposed to be ready from turning him on!
I'm not going to say that I'm some hot chick like in a magazine but I take care of myself well considering I'm at home all day with an infant and toddler. I try to plan fun, sexy stuff with him but he is *too tired*. But he can stay up to watch a movie or be on his damn iPhone or hang out with his brother.
He definitely checks out other girls which I expect because I know guys are just like that. Can't change innate behavior no matter how much you want too! :/
And we aren't older- I'm in my late twenties and he in his early thirties.
So, wth? Not that old, not in bad shape, trying to please him, what am I missing? Is this normal in marriage?

Anonymous said...

I'm a middle aged women, I did losses 35 lbs,I try very hard to look good for my husdand.people I know have notice a change in me. But I still get my husband looking at other younger, big boobs and thinner women or porn and naked women on the internet. so i ask you what thats one do get attention

Anonymous said...

Bottom line is your vows didnt say you would love cherish and keep (honor, obey, whatever words you want to use)until one of you gains weight or you become unattractive to them. If that is the case don't marry. Men just think they can run the world and life like they want and women are supposed to accept it. Its 2012 and SOME men still think that way. But when YOUR time rolls around and some young thing tells you that you remind of her of her father then you want to run back to the one who loved you no matter what you looked like (Pssssst! thats the spouse you lost desire for). It's WRONG! Just beware, what you think about your spouse as a man, she is probably thinking the same thing about you. Doesn't make it right on their part either but just know whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

Anonymous said...

I too would like to have seen dates on these. :)

As a woman I have been married for 10 years in an OPEN relationship. Not a standard 1 on 1 scenario at all. I encourage my husband to go out and chase tail as much as he'd like but that doesn't prevent problems at home. Many of the people mention that marriage is an issue as a general concept so I wanted to shed some more light on that.

We have been married from 25 - 35 roughly and he's going through something of a midlife crisis. Normally a man get's married and there is an artificial barrier between him and young women. Then later in life there may be a personal crisis in which he "wakes up" to discover he's not young anymore and that his wife isn't either. In our situation he's able to see on a truly day to day level that his appeal is waning. He is no longer attracting the 18 - 25 year olds the way he once was... or able to keep them. This just makes him more frantic. SIGH.

I personally belive this is augmented by the media. I'm not anti-porn (I appreciate it actually) but the reality is that when every set of breasts you've ever seen is 20 years old, or 20 years old with augmentation that you can be really surprised by what you and your spouse really look like under the clothes as you cross into your 30's. When women have underclothes that are more like armour than underwear you don't realize as you walk down the street that all the women you pass look just like your normal average wife.

So I agree that some IS genetic, and now some IS media/societal pressure and some IS your spouses lack of upkeep. Some of that can be worked out, but some can't. As women we are frustrated because we feel unwanted, as men they are frustrated because they can't have what they want. It's tough.

Good luck all around.

Anonymous said...

I don't think anyone should ever let themselves go. You should encourage your wife to work out and take care of herself. Buy her a day at a spa and start taking walks together. She will feel better about herself and you will desire her more.

Anonymous said...

For the woman who said we have to find happiness within ourselves and just let men go if they want to leave: Have you considered being proactive and leaving your husband first? Why passively wait for the other shoe to drop if you are unhappy, not getting your needs met, and your husband doesn't want you anymore?

Anonymous said...

I cant believe some of these ridiculously inane posts..like this comment from an unknown poster:
"After a woman gets past say age 35 she is simply NO LONGER attractive to a man and it goes down hill fast from there. By the time a female is in her 40's she's just another old cow and what man want's an old cow?? "
Seriously this person must be enjoying a lot of ass hammering in the closet. A woman has no worth without beauty.. are you fucking kidding me? You faggot.. Keep your young barbie girls who know nothing about life except they want to get a 750.00 dollar Prada bag and suck your entire bank account dry and be your inane arm candy, meanwhile they have no idea how vacuous and stupid you are. They are simply blinded by cold hard cash and trying to swindle you out of your last penny.. while you secretly are being plummeted by a big fat c*ock in your stinking closet.

Wake up fag boy.. No woman of substance will ever be your partner.. K You are an ass.. any everyone of you other douche bags squawking about your wives looks.. Your all so ugly inside.. You deserve nothing.. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You all sound like latent homosexuals.. Faggets.. leave us women alone.. We don't need, nor do we want you.

Anonymous said...

I am just curios I have a boyfriend for a year and half. I spend the night almost everyday though I have my own place and that is perfect but for the past year he slowed down sex to maybe once a month.I am 49 he is 38 and he always liked older women. I was 125 and gained 15 lbs, but most in my butt n he always comments it nice, he will not say he loves me but says he likes me a lot, I told him I love him a year ago and if I say it now he says thank you or I lust you and smiles. I ask him why he is with me and he says I'm pretty , sweet inside and out. I know he does care about me but he won't introduce me to his dad and sisters he has no kids never married and I have 5 kids only minor is 12 rest are adults, and 5 grand kids he knew from day one. He does compliment me says I pretty n sweet all the time. He holds me at night but sexually he stopped ALL foreplay n only have sex rarey

Anonymous said...

Alright some of these posts are just plain ridiculous... I am still young and very attractive but i see and work with alot of older women past their 40's who are damn right gorgeous... My mother is 55 and she looks fantastic.. ya sure shes gained weight over the last 20 years lol but its a part of life... To be honest balding wrinkly men arent really my type and at least once a week i get these crazy offers.. I feel bad for their wives why did u marry in the first place... Im almost 100% sure that their wives arent attracted to them either and are cheating or want to... Such a disgraceful world we live in marriage is a joke it seems...

dawn weber said...

Im a 41 year old women and I have a 31 year old husband. Yeah I can relate to some of the men on here to some extent. When I look at my ex who is 5 years older than me I cant help to think im grossed out. And yes it may have to do that I just dont love him. I dont think I would be that way with my husband, and why would I have got married knowing that looks will fade. I am in the best shape ever younger men look at me all the time. I dont believe its all my looks either im happy and confident because im in shape. I know I wouldnt be if I let myself go. Im with a guy 10 years younger lol...I have too. He keeps me young internally and exterior. I know im aging and man is he hot women are always looking I just smile and kiss him im so lucky. The fact is he has had 100s of women and he picked me that tells me something about myself. He still loves all women I just laugh when a women walks around the corner with huge tits and I look at him and his eyes are as big as her boobs. Hes my best friend he tells me what he likes even when its another women I point them out before he sees them it shows im not threatend. Yet I have to at times remind him im just not his best buddy and if he can act like im the only one in the room at times but not always. I have to realize he is man hell I would look and I do how can we not appreciate beauty. I go to strip clubs with himbut I have fun I dont act like im there for him we have a blast. Now how could he not love me even when I get an extra wrinkle and there are no garantees but im gonna have as much fun as I can as I can and being healthy is my wealth im so rich but im selfish with it because myself is the only one I have to live with till I meet my maker. H

Anonymous said...

Interesting thread, and yes, sexual attraction over the long term is complicated. I was one of those beautiful women who was rejected by her first husband simply because I went from a size 6 to a size 10 (I'm 5' 8") Once the haze lifted, it was "good riddance" to a man so shallow, thank goodness ... what if I ever had breast cancer or some other traumatic issue while married. No, there must be men of greater substance.

Having said that, I'm extremely realistic. Now that I'm older and wiser (I hope) I can see how familiarity, no matter how much you love a person for their soul, can breed some discontent physically and how much a couple must work on keeping an active sex life as they age.

I certainly don't have the answers, but I think it has to be divided into two types of men for women: The a-holes and the good guys. Both will feel attracted to younger, more attractive woman, it's simply biological, but the difference is the "good guys" have material to work with.

If you've been married for many years, keep yourself reasonably fit and well-groomed, try to remain a loving partner, etc. etc. -- you know, all the textbook good stuff, and your spouse still rejects you, well then maybe it's time to leave.

While I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, I also believe the reasons so many marriages lasted much longer in past decades was 1) divorce wasn't as socially acceptable as it is in current day and 2) people didn't live as long.

Anonymous said...

When I look around I see that most older men have spots on their faces and hair growing like weeds from their eyebrows and ears and their skin is flabby and wrinkly and veiny and purple and see-through and the belly fat, honestly. Don't they understand that the only reason young women give them the time of day is because of money and opportunity? I guess the sex is worth it but jeez, what about self-respect?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to the author, but I don't understand what your point is. If you find yourself less attracted to your spouse and you lust after much younger women, then divorce your wife and move on. I don't get why you are complaining and bemoaning your situation. Your wife certainly deserves better and you, apparently, think you deserve better - so why not make everyone happy? I suspect the only reason you are not dumping your loving wife is because you know the reality of the situation. You do not have a chance in heck of landing one of the significantly younger, hotter babes you lust for. So instead of trying, you are being a coward - hanging on to a good woman who chooses to stand by your side, mean while resenting her for it. You sure are a piece of work. You are staying because you are old, short, fat, losing your hair, creepy, wrinkled, saggy, etc (or so your pic would have us believe). No young woman would touch you with a ten foot pole, when there are buff, handsome, lean, tall, well endowed young men with stamina, who don't need viagara. So instead, you are being a coward, a jerk, and whiny baby. We don't get everything we want in life, we make do with what we get. Unless we are spoilt, ungrateful, and immature. That's what you sound like - being someone who complains for things that he has no intention of working to achieve. Seriously, if you are so unhappy (ungrateful), you should leave your wife. If you value you her too much to do that (likely because you know you can't do better), than STFU! You can't have your cake and eat it, too. I feel really sorry for your wife. If I was her, I'd divorce you in a minute.

Anonymous said...

I can't see how you can shame a person into feeling attracted to someone they no longer feel attracted to."

That's incredibly sad. Please LET THIS POOR WOMAN GO! She deserves to be with someone who loves her and is attracted to her. Just because you don't, does not mean another (possibly more attractive, wealthier, more well endowed) man won't. You're just complaining, but you have no intention of letting her go and find true happiness.

How would you like it if your spouse sat around complaining online about how small your penis is or how you make too little money or how you have man-boobs now that you're old. But rather than let you go and find someone who appreciates you, she holds on to you because she can't do better, but she sits around and COMPLAINS about it! How pissed would you be, if your woman disrespected you the way you disrespect her? LET HER GO!

Anonymous said...

I don't get the comments where women are saying that they had children for their husbands. The desire for children is far stronger in the aggregate of women than it is for the average man.
My wife wants kids badly, but she's also gained about 20lbs since we got married, and it's only because she's lazy physically. Where she lived before she took the train, and walked or biked everywhere. In Texas, she we drive everywhere so she automatically gained weight. Plus, what motivates women is largely the private competition they have with each other, so unless she's around groups of younger, thinner women a lot, there's no need to loose it. She's probably one of the thinner women in her accounting department, but that's not saying much.
Women have always had babies, and obesity didn't always follow. There might be some biology to it, but largely it's a matter of being a busy mom, and a large emotional need being filled by the baby rather than a husband; i.e., the incentive to stay attractive wanes.

You can't have you cake and eat it too ladies. If I was on a blog that was discussing lazy husbands that drank too much beer, watched sports all day, and didn't want to get a job, there wouldn't be a woman to be found advocating for him. Unconditional love is a sad lie, and a woman's attractiveness is to a man, what a man's job motivation and passion is to a woman.
A husbands shape is important to a wife, just not as important as his ability to take care of her, protect her, and make her feel secure. If he no longer could do that and he was fat, she'd be gone. Ya'll need to self-reflect and think about what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot. If that is the case for you, and you feel that letting yourself go is just tit-for-tat then you're playing a childish game that hurts both of you.

When I got married, my wife was the complete package, period. Far smarter and attractive than me. Because of that I worked very hard to get into good shape, dress better, groom better, educate my self for a better job, etc... It made me a better man. Now she's just let herself go, because she's felt far too secure. So now I've got women hitting on me, and giving me a good deal of attention, and a wife that doesn't realize that I'm actually getting better with age, so she needs to step up her game. As long as we're together I'm not cheating, but I've already told her the reality of the situation, and I've told her that I'm not going to nag her. What she does is her choice and I can't control what she does. Basically, the balls in her court, and what happens with our marriage is up to her. All I really care about is that she tries, and that she acts like it's important to her. I'm not expecting miracles, but it's a matter of respect.

She knows that she's still really beautiful and still looks about 10 years younger than she is, so even with the weight, she could still get a good man pretty easy; so, I guess we'll see if she cares enough about me to do something about it. Women that are really beautiful when they're young seem to not understand the shift that's coming for them.

Admin said...

Dredston - you should be honest with your wife, but do it with tact. How and what you say, plus your behavior (positive reaffirmation and conditioning) will work.

Someone else made a good point too. When you talk to her, ask if there's something about you that's changed for the worse?

If you have kids, there's your answer when it comes to why things have changed with her. It's not easy and no more pedis/manis means she probably doesn't have the time anymore...it could also be income related - a financial set back that sets off a domino in different directions.

You clearly love her so you have your answer. Are you affectionate with her? Touch her? Surprise her with love and affection? That alone will make a woman far more aware of her body. Taking photos do the same. I'm often not aware of how I look (good or bad) until I see a photo. For many women (again both positive and negative), there's a huge disconnect between perception and reality.

20 pounds is easy to lose. TALK to her now before it becomes 40 or 60 and the feelings have deteriorated further.

Anonymous said...

Honestly once you fall in love with an intelligent, handsome, funny, well off man, that shows interest in you it's hard to keep away. I've been keeping away for 9 months now and my attraction won't go away, I just hope that he looses interest in me. Although for me it will be bitterly disappointing,if I respect that man as I feel I do I have to respect his decision to honour his wife..a promise he made I'm guessing decades ago. If he no longer loves his wife, he needs to divorce her.And what of me, when I'm an older woman...is this what I have to look forward to? This is just sad..I get the whole biology lesson thing..but seriously sad. I don't know if these people can truly be in love to begin with.

Lucero Hinte said...

That is so true. Even though we get old in age, there young men who see what old men don't see in us anymore. So while our men are chasing their fantasy dream young woman, a young better fit, looking, sexually man is always willing to make her feel sexy and desireable once again :). I for one have experience this before. ;). And it's not the young men's faults its our men's fault for neglecting us in bed.

Lucero Hinte said...

It's is Oct30,2012,, and I've been reading all of these posts. Very interesting. I must agree with this post in regards to another post in where the man makes it clear that woman after 35 are no longer attractive and after 40 we are just an old cow. The anonymous10:41am post, I completely agree with what you said about him :).

Veronica Piper said...

I agree that it's important to keep up your appearance and not let yourself go (for both men and women) but I honestly believe that if people find someone they can connect with on a deeper level, they will always find them attractive. I have been with my husband for 11 years and we share the same passions. In fact we complete each other on so many levels, we bring out the best in each other, he is a film producer and I am a film director. It's quite simple really, marry your best-friend and you will never get bored. I am only 30, but I can not possibly imagine my husband leaving me for a younger woman as I age. As it is I naturally look 10 years younger, but honestly I don't believe any woman will ever compare to me. Not in my husband's eyes anyway, just as no man compares to him. We met as teenagers and inspired each other to grow into what we are today. I grew up with a father who adored my mother and I should add she was "9 years" older than him. Yet she was the only woman he ever trusted. My father was faithful, never had a wandering eye. Even after my father's death, my mother says there will be no other man for her, despite the many who have tried to date her. That is love. It goes beyond the physical. My husband tells me he fell in love with me because I was the first girl to ever care about his opinion. So even once I turn old and gray, my husband would have to be fool to ever leave me. After all, Im the only one who truly understands how to make him feel like a man. Rest assured my husband is no fool.

CutieKat said...

I agree that it's important to keep up your appearance and not let yourself go (for both men and women) but I honestly believe that if people find someone they can connect with on a deeper level, they will always find them attractive. I have been with my husband for 11 years and we share the same passions. In fact we complete each other on so many levels, we bring out the best in each other, he is a film producer and I am a film director. It's quite simple really, marry your best-friend and you will never get bored. I am only 30, but I can not possibly imagine my husband leaving me for a younger woman as I age. As it is I naturally look 10 years younger, but honestly I don't believe any woman will ever compare to me. Not in my husband's eyes anyway, just as no man compares to him. We met as teenagers and inspired each other to grow into what we are today. I grew up with a father who adored my mother and I should add she was "9 years" older than him. Yet she was the only woman he ever trusted. My father was faithful, never had a wandering eye. Even after my father's death, my mother says there will be no other man for her, despite the many who have tried to date her. That is love. It goes beyond the physical. My husband tells me he fell in love with me because I was the first girl to ever care about his opinion. So even once I turn old and gray, my husband would have to be fool to ever leave me. After all, Im the only one who truly understands how to make him feel like a man. Rest assured my husband is no fool.

Anonymous said...

So funny! Men do not look in the mirror! They have a big belly and their hygiene is often lacking and they moan about women? They complain that their wife is not interested and has let herself go. If you are not getting a bj at home then LOOK IN THE MIRROR guys! I hate to say it but IT IS YOU! UGH!! That is the truth!

Anonymous said...

So many factors come into play actually before you get married. The odds are against you if you lived with your spouse before marrage, got married too young or confused lust with love. Marriage is work. Keeping yourself physically attractive no matter your age is work . However,have you ever heard the expression "show me a beautiful women & I'll show you a man who is tired of banging her" . Many couples blame lack of physical attraction as their demise. However, the reality is they were doomed from the start. They had no idea what marriage and kids really meant. My parents were married for forty five years and it was not easy for them. Now my mother cares for him 24/7 after he had a massive stroke. What people don't understand is that the unconditional love of a stable family is what brings the most happiness in life. To all these souless men writing in on this site: life is short and most likely you will be alone in the nursing home which is a horrible end for even a life as worthless as yours.

Steve said...

Anonymous, I don't see any "souless men" of "worthless lives" posting here. Well, maybe one who seems as though he may be a little compromised in the "soul" department or maybe he was just out for a good trolling that day. But what I do see are men regretfully grappling with a difficult problem and women expressing understandable hurt and anger over its consequences for them and their marriages.

What I'd like to see more of is mutual understanding, empathy, and compassion. That's why I posted this entry. I was driving to work one day and heard a discussion about this matter on the radio, and I thought it was an issue worth sharing here.

Anonymous said...

Steve,
To be honest I think your full of !!##. I also think your a bit of a bore and need to get off your soap box.

Steve said...

I didn't realize I was on a soapbox, but you may be right on all counts. So, please feel free to read and comment on someone else's blog if you'd prefer.

Anonymous said...

Okay, here is one for the gents that are attractive to younger women and for the ladies that don't like men being attracted to younger women.
I am a 38 yr old woman, have worked out all my life had 2 kids, no stretchmarks, the perfect hourglass shape. I always looked much younger my age, which was not very flattering at age 15, but it's nice to be seen as a 26 yr old these days. My husband is a little younger than me, and because of my youthful look, usually it is always younger man that give those certain signals. I just wish younger guys would stop hitting on me!
My marriage is unfortunately not a happy one, as my husband is a lot more childish and self-centered than I can handle, and it's probably (at least partially) due to the fact that he is younger than me.
If I do enter the dating arena again (after plenty of healing time), all I want is a nice older guy, at least 10 yrs older than me, as I find them very sexy (they probably know what they are doing in bed, and they know what they want from life), but they won't even talk to me, as they think I am too young for them!
So, my complaint is exactly the opposite of everyone else's: why are younger guys are attracted to me and not the older ones? It is so irritating!

Anonymous said...

My husband has not wanted me in over a year now. Im so sad about it. We have been married 21 years and I am almost 50. He is almost 60. He says he doesn't have an erection problem and I know this to be true because I sometimes see him in the shower Strangling his turkey. I wonder why he doesn't call me into the bathroom with a big grin wearing nothing but water drops. I would love that. I would be all over him. Its true for me too, I have gotten fat and old. But he was fat and old 20 years ago. He never was attractive. I was though.I was a tall slender blond of 27 years with only one child. I married him because he was a kind man from a good family. We never had children together (HIS CHOICE). I know he is tired but its been over a year now...I love him and only want sex with him. I do however have an elderly gentleman neighbor who flirts with me. Im a Christian woman.. I want to do what is right. But im not sure I can go another year without sex...thank yall for letting me cry my heart out...

Anonymous said...

Dearest Dr. Lee of the Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com you are a spellcaster heavyweight champion! You have been very helpful during the hard times I went through. Speaking with you gave me hope and I must say that you are more than a spellcaster for me. Can I dare to say that I consider you as a friend now? Thanks for bringing back my man and thanks for listening to me and helping me. You will stay in my memory

Anonymous said...

been married for 8 yrs hav 3 boys and very slim in size and yet my sex life with my husband is like the most stressful thing ever. i cant understand why is it ppl talking about weight gain and looking for younger womenif u see me in person u wud never believe i hav 3 kids and is at the age of 31 yrs old. dont blame nature for your lust for outside women i mean if we women say its in our nature what wil u say then? everyday i wonder whats wrong with me cause i jus cant understand , 2 people shud always stay close to each other and make thing interesting for one another then nthere's no reson to look outside.
men its not your nature its your dirty minds ;)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, you quoting the bible. Lets look at what the bible says about "checking out younger women because you can't help it:" "But I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28 and I think you KNOW how God feels about adultery. Also the sin of adultery, and licentious sex is the first sin listed in the bible. Lust is satan's biggest weapon against humanity and certainly men are its biggest targets. While you call it your "natural urges", you are being played for the fools you are. If the fashion was that women 50+ and 150 pounds were the ones "society" says are the hottest, you morons would be telling your 30 year old "skinny" wives, "I can't help staring/screwing her honey, its my FEELINGS and I can't do anything about that!" you guys have no idea how stupid you sound most of the time. Good luck. I'm sure on your deathbed your first thoughts will be, "damn glad I hooked up with those hot young girls and dumped my wife and kids while i had the chance." You have no idea what God wants because you are too busy dancing with the enemy.

Tritonprince said...

Viagra is big business, when in fact, the man may not have an E.D. issue. You show me a man who has an issue and place a younger fine middle age women with Fish Stockings in his bed and ill show you a man healed. Many older women become tied up with children and grand children wherein their sexual ID becomes lost. I've been married for 33 years and try to maintain intercourse with my spouse. Yes, it's an added chore when one has to think and imagine a fine beautiful women while having sex with his fifty, sixty or seventy year old broken down wife whom only wants one position. Just my thoughts.

maggie said...

My boyfriend met this lady at a night club. She has a mental illness. He told me that he loves me, he does not know what happened to him, and he felt lost without me. He does not love or want to be with this woman but for some reason he said to me he Could not leave her house. Someone told me that she had put something on him to keep him away from me. That was how i search and found Priestessifaa@yahoo.com, she did a spell that reverse the whole thing back, and my boyfriend Showed the door to escape out of her house. Our relationship is stronger than ever. He is here with me, and she moved to Palemo, Sicily. Thanks priestess.Isnatur 1709

estokes said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMsICrmVZGA

For people who, like me, need to be reminded that most of the people commenting here will end up alone and that some of us will go on to enjoy golden years like this.

estokes said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMsICrmVZGA

For people who, like me, need to be reminded that most of the people commenting here will end up alone and that some of us will go on to enjoy golden years like this.

Anonymous said...

Steve, dates please. To that end, I am posting this on 7 May 2013.

I have a somewhat different problem. I’m a man in my 50s. I won’t comment on how I look (do we really judge ourselves honestly?), but with my interests and activities, I feel 10 - 15 years younger. My wife is 6 years younger than me, but looks 20 years younger than me, and I find her quite attractive. We’ve been married 20 years, no kids, and we are just fine with that. We eat wisely, exercise moderately, and both weigh what we did the day we married. We do a lot of hiking and take pride in the fact that, going up the mountain, we are passing people half our age.

But there’s no sex. Not for about ten years.

We love each other, and support each other’s interests. We touch, we hug, we kiss, we cuddle in bed. But nothing genital. She never really enjoyed sex. And I hate for her to do something she doesn’t want to do. So I let it go. I still want it, and will resort to self-service now and then. But I long to give as much as receive pleasure with another person. I am coming to the conclusion that love and sex are two different things. Yes, I suppose it’s nice when a couple can find both together in each other, but it doesn’t seem to always work that way.

Someone mentioned Dan Savage’s writings. There is also Sex at Dawn, written by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. These talk of scientific and anthropologic theories that maybe monogamy may not be our nature. Our closest relatives in the animal kingdom, chimps and bonobos, certainly are promiscuous, actually using sex to bond a whole community, not just a couple. But as man moved from nomadic hunter/gatherers, to settle down as farmers, they invented the concept of ownership – of land, of objects. And preserving ownership for their descendants meant knowing which descendants were yours, so they invented marriage so to “own” their women, be it one or several, and even sought to justify it through religion. And it’s not always the men doing the “owning” as there are a few primitive societies of humans that are matriarchal.

So if my wife is not interested in sex, but we both want to preserve the love, do I find the sex with someone else? Could this make us both happy? And what is love? We love our friends. We love our relatives. Is love really something completely separate from friendship? Or is it just an extreme version of friendship for soul mates? Indeed, if I were to have sex with someone else, I could not do it with a complete stranger. I would want it to be with a friend, where there is an established trust, and a desire to give the other pleasure.

So many questions. So few answers. Life is complicated.

Anonymous said...

After 25 years of marriage, him 60 pounds heavier and 25 years older - me 20 pounds heavier and 25 years older - glad to be divorced so the non attraction misery is over. My life is so much better without this issue in it.

As one person put it - I can lust for food, wealth, sex, etc. Every day I can want a different, better house car. What we feed our eyes creates discontent in our heart and live. We feed our eyes, we can choose to turn away and focus on what we have. Many people develop the habit of "looking" early in life and feel it is just part of them. No, it is a habit. Change the habit, change your life and your happiness and many times the happiness of those around you. But since in today's modern socieity we seem to be no better than dogs with a lower threshold of self awareness and thinking, then one must mold to this world and preserve themself. Fellow ladies, when the attraction dies for whatever reason, leave, initiate it, don't whine or nag about it, move on which will produce a happier you. As for myself, I am happily divorced, will never marry again and go through this, I have plenty of men that I date and enjoy them being attracted to me, but I know that their attraction will wane thus don't put my trust or hope in the hands of a man. My trust and hope is in myself and knowing that my beauty is more than skin deep and I will not allow a man to put me through his "discontent"/loss of attraction misery that is inevitable when ones eyes is feasting on objects. Be strong, control your own destiny and don't allow a man to destroy the beautiful you!

Anonymous said...

After having been married for 25 years and now happily divorced after having gone through this issue in my marriage, I don't plan on getting re-married. I enjoy feeling desired and can date and achieve that, I don't have to worry or deal with the loss of attraction issue. Frankly, now that I can finally be "honest" instead of take the high road of love - no, I really don't find older men attractive - soft dick, sagging balls, warts, hair coming out of just about every openning there is, man boobs, physically broken down, beer gut, bald, etc. I over looked and dwelled on the postive things with my ex but he did not do the same and we were miserable. So glad to leave the misery behind. My dating schedule is full,he can't get a date to save his life - hmmmm, attraction? Who is the least attractive? Arrogance? LOL. Now, I just can't see me wanting to be married or in a LTR who is going to put me through their misery of discontent with me. Just can't see myself wanting to care for someone that would put me through something like that. So ... ladies, leave the man that is no longer attracted to you, you future will be much better despite some initial emotional pain of separation. Better days are always ahead when you aren't dragging around someone who would rather be elsewhere. :)

Anonymous said...

It is just a matter of adjusting right at the begining. Once well tuned the machinery should work well. Discordant notes at an ever increasing frquency leads to mis firing in lifes vehicle too.

Anonymous said...

Appearances are not a criteria if your souls are in tune. Every man or woman knows that beyond the initial attraction for physical beauty it is actually the inner beauty that counts. Which does not mean you let your body go waste. No. What I mean is that if a couple know they are ageing one more than the other they still would have plenty of webs to hold them together? webs woven very early on in life of adventures, good times, supportive tough times and perfect in sync performance of the soul dance. If opportunism and discordance or suspicion was the starting picture then such a couple would look for late solace elsewhere and if a young man or woman happens to come along then the drivers could very well change even though temporarily. It is important therefore for newly married couple to work with perfect understanding and bonding right from the word 'go'

Anonymous said...

BlueCAT says,
My wife and I have been married
23 years. I am still sexually potent,meaning that I could still
have a good erection and do it.
It's just that, everytime we do it,
3 times a month, it felt like a chore for me. I have actually desired a woman who is 7 years older than my wife. She is really
the "beautiful" type, this other woman is. So, although I agree that
age could generally matter, the attractiveness between woman and man is partly or largely due to a
lack of "freshness" for having around each other for 23 years for me....It just felt like "the same old stuff" I am a romantic but this is a sad situation....

Anonymous said...

Men who leave their wives for younger women are idiots, they believe all the ego stroking stuff only to find out once they've helped destroy a marriage and the money is shared out between two families the bald headed toothless wonder isn't such a good catch after all.

Antonio said...

I am a 38 yr old man. I have been married for 8 yrs. I have two children with my beautiful wife, she is 2 yrs younger than I am. We have been through everything from her being involved with other men to me having a child outside of our marriage. My problem is that while it took me maturing to get over having sex outside of marriage, my wife continues to ration sex. I smoked for over 20 yrs but it did not destroy my sex drive from day 1 of my sexual life I would go go go and still have not stopped. As a matter of fact it has almost peaked again now that I am smoke free, eating much healthier and exercising regularly. I could easily revert to my past ways due to my genetics, I look like 18 yrs old, the most 25 yrs old. My wife attributes her low sex drive to my past but I always encounter women much older than her with an active sex drive. I am constantly battling cheating on her. The amazing thing is that most men complain about their wives diminishing physical appearance, I too have these issues but I am still attracted to my wife sexually (maybe because of my sex drive. What should I do?

yssubramanyam said...

every man will see angel in a woman for first few years, later he gets vexed with partner, and wants to enjoy change of skin, no matter how ugly or old she is..
it is the secret of the mans biology. majority may not agree but it is true and honest submission.

Anonymous said...

Wow, reading through all these...as a woman...makes me want to just be alone as I age. Forget a relationship. How sad to know my husband will probably just want and lust after younger women. Its not worth the heartache. If the husband was on the other side of the stick...if his wife was lusting after younger hotter men..what a blow that would be to his big ego. Relationships..what a waste of time.

Steve said...

I don't think all men are like this or that they always stop loving their wife or girlfriend in every way even if they do come to feel less sexually attracted to her over time.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, I am so with the other two wonderful women who have found their own happiness by bowing out of the misery of marriage. Married 25 years to a man discontent with me. A man feasting his eyes and lust on just about anything walking by. Now happily divorced, dating life full of men who enjoy me and are attracted to me. Hmmmm, ex with his beer gut, soft dick, sagging balls, and man boobs, can't get a date. No LTR for me as I know that the men I date have a similar problem of eventual discontent. When discontent finds my door I hastily slip out the door. Never, ever put your trust in a man and allow him to make your life miserable with his discontent, leave, move on to a better place and a happier life. Another upside, you don't have to take care of the old bag when he gets older and sick, a natural consequence of LTR and marriage.

Anonymous said...

Concerning the comments about condemning men who are attacted to younger women. I don't think there is a need to condemn just advice and training for younger women. Don't be blind to your significant other's physical ugliness, open your eyes, dial into the beauty around you and let it guide you in all that you do and want. We can take this 50% divorce rate to a much higher number very quickly and for everyone's pleasure and happiness we should. Women, don't be blind to your significant other's ugliness, seek something better for yourself. You can and should become visual and as we know we are sexual and as I have found, I do like the variety. Men are easy to conquer and leave in the dust. Most aren't worth commitment because in 5 years they will make your life miserable so beat them to the punch.

Anonymous said...

The woman became angry because it struck a cord of fear deep inside of her. She lashed out at the caller, not because he "needs to grow up" but rather, "stop pointing to the truth as I am not comfortable confronting it". We one know that a woman's power and influence in a relationship is always based on their ability to pull a mans attention with her physical beauty.

It is a real shame that some women are just blessed with good genes, my wife is not, and her power is entirely drained. I am aging quite well, my dad is still living, and at the age of 85, still is very photogenic and handsome.

Anonymous said...

@steve. You're saying that in essence women are doomed to become unattractive to their spouses, especially as they age and give birth. They must be relegated to letyibg jim get turned on by other women if they are to have sex.

Anonymous said...

I feel very sorry for you.
You must have had a very abusive childhood.

Anonymous said...

I am a "younger woman" (30), attractive, educated, great job. I get approached by men in their mid-40s to early sixties all the time. What these men don't realize is that the majority of "younger women" don't want a man who is 20 years older than us. If nothing is sagging on me yet, I sure as heck don't want it sagging on him. And no, it doesn't matter if he's "in good shape for his age." Some "younger women" are able to overcome this repulsion if the guy's wallet is large enough, but for the majority of us, the thought is enough to give us a gag reflex. Just thought men (and the woman caller) should know this. Also, the majority of women I know who have married much older men have lovers (much closer to their age) that their husbands know nothing about. This is simply because no amount of Viagra can make a 65 year old man 45 years old - none. Nada. Whenever a 55 year old man asks me out, I just politely tell him that he's my mother's age, but she's unavailable (happily married) :-). I'm sure when I'm 55, I will love to be with a 55 year old man, but for now, I will stick with my 35 year olds :-). If a man finds his wife undesirable, chances are she's not that attracted to him either (or else she would be jumping his bones), but that's another conversation.

Anonymous said...

I am 63 and all of you men will end up alone....you lust after younger women...you married them for who they are ...to lust is a sin..are you perfect? look in the mirror...beer gut...etc. I took care of myself and he cheated anyway...so .....

Anonymous said...

men suck....

Steve said...

Please let me make something clear. I'm not attempting to justify men leaving their wives for younger women. I'm sad that it happens as frequently as it does and wish that it didn't happen at all. However, I am urging that we try to move beyond reflexive condemnation of men who do this and also that we try to empathize with women whose husbands have done it and who have endured much emotional and financial hardship as a result.

Anonymous said...

Its true many middle aged some put on weight and so do a lot of men. When I was married, I put on about 20 lbs, but then I decided to change my diet and start exercise. It worked really well, my body is like that of a 20 year old, However, my ex became jealous and insecure, we are now divorced. Since then, I have facial surgery and the results are great, I look naturally fresher and younger.

Anonymous said...

I'm with all the women who say it's better not to bother with men. I agree 100%. Men are (mostly) selfish and shallow. They think it's fine to commit mental adultery every day with their eyes and minds. Yes, both men and women should take care of their physical appearance in marriage. But many women do that- stay in shape, nice clothes, etc and it's still not enough. Still the man lusts after others. I say ladies, forget about stupid men. Get a network of caring girlfriends, a loving pet or two, some interesting hobbies, or better yet, put your faith and trust in GOD who sees your heart and will love you forever if you love, trust and obey him. Don't EVER put your trust in selfish shallow men, who chase after some image and don't know how good they have it at home. I gave up on men years ago, and I dislike them so much now that I don't even talk to them or look at them any more. Only if I have to. If any of them tried any nonsense I'd tell them to go away. I don't want ANY of them any more. If this is the way men are, I'm not having a bar of it. Men, in my opinion (and experience) bring only sorrow and trouble. They are NOT worth it. I have to say, I am MUCH HAPPIER for not bothering with men! You can be too! :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm not yet 50 and I've given up on men. In fact I gave up on them years ago. I think all women should. They are selfish, lying, shallow dirty dogs who commit mental adultery on their wives every day, because they WON'T control their eyes and minds. Yes, women and men need to work at staying attractive in marriage, but some women work hard at it - staying in shape and wearing nice clothes, make-up - and it's STILL not enough. STILL the men run round lusting after others. We women can't win, and if we can't win why should we bother. Why bother with selfish, evil mental adulterers who make excuses for their vile lack of self control and lack of love for their wives. We are infinitely better off without them. I'm so much happier without a man, I can tell you. It's my opinion and experience that men bring nothing but sorrow and trouble. I don't even talk to or look at men now, unless I have to, and if any of them tried anything with me I'd tell them to go away. Ladies, forget all about men and trust in God, who will love you with an everlasting love if you love, trust and obey Him.

Anonymous said...

I think women who have husbands who cause nothing in their lives except misery due to their men's daily mental adultery should just dump the rotting carcasses of the 'men' completely out of their lives forever. Then they can breathe fresh, clean air again and be happy. In order to stay happy, however, they must be sure to NEVER bother with men again.

Anonymous said...

The last three posts were posted by the same person (myself, anonymous) and while I haven't changed my mind in that I believe we're better off without men in our lives in a romantic way, and that we shouldn't tolerate men's mental and physical adultery, I think that my last posts were way over the top in their hateful tone. Men are not 'rotting carcasses' but they do deserve to be kicked out of a woman's life if he is hurting her in any way (sadly the norm these days). It's not like the old days when people HAD to stay married.

I can speak to men in a friendly way and enjoy brief conversations at times but I will never have a relationship again. I am yet to meet a truly decent man - experience hasn't brought any my way - but GOD can be completely trusted.

Apologies for the fire-breathing hateful tone, but I stand by the gist of what I said. Just should've been said in a better way. I get so angry when I see men justify their lusting after other women, that's all - because it's so deeply hurtful to a woman and destroys all trust. But, my trust in men was destroyed long ago anyway.

Steve said...

I'm not sure how many married men in this thread or in the world at large actually try to "justify" their waning attraction for their wives and their strong attraction to other, often younger women. But I think they are trying to understand and explain it and to suggest that whom we feel attracted to may well not be a matter of free choice so much as a spontaneous reaction determined by one's male and personal nature, and that at least the beginning of the most effective way to deal with this is to achieve mutual understanding between the sexes and, more specifically, between spouses who find themselves in this unfortunate situation.

Anonymous said...

Steve, it is not only a male phenomenon. As a young female, I know that even when I get older, I will probablystill be attracted to the energy, vigour and good looks of younger men. I don't find older men attractive at all. But if I marry, I will try to overcome this shallow-ness and treasure my husband for the person that he is, even if he gets fat, hairy and old. It is a choice, and we all make our choices.

Kat said...

Lol, I'm 49 5.3 120 lbs blond hair and green eyes. Men in their twenties still look at me. The truth is... Men in their forties lose sensitivity (penile) and also their penises begin to shrink. I'm also in the medical field so I know this is universal. Yes their testes begin to sag and their penises get sig. smaller. So you who say men are less attractive to a woman as she ages and are forced to look for younger women... maybe it's really the fact that you think a younger woman would magically conquer the aging affect on your penis? Ha ha life is wonderful and nature has a justice all it's own. The fact is that some men are selfish bastards with terrible insecurity. They think that they are somehow sexier, more sexual if they are with someone younger. Nope, just more pathetic to think that the age of your partner has anything to do with your sex drive or how sexual you are to others. Doesn't mean that every older man dating or in love with a younger woman is a pervert. Love happens...but those of you who are characterized by the previous description the jokes on you.

Anonymous said...

How is your wife tolerating your aging process? Do you honestly think shes still attracted to you anymore? Youre probably too self absorbed and selfish to care. I pity your wife so much and pray to God to keep men like you away from me. God give me a kind, loving, mature man please.

Anonymous said...

And yes, men do deserve reflexive condemnation. What happened to "in sickness and in health, til death do you part". Thats what marriage is all about! If you dont like it, DONT GET MARRIED!! What a concept! Or get divorced if its just too much to bear. But as selfish as you are, you wouldnt set your woman free, because you know she'll find someone and you wont. But anyway, just so you know, theres nothing in marriage vows about guaranteeing your husband perv-old-man-boners for life. You need some real problems in your life, like poverty or cancer to teach you whats really important in marriage and in life. Truth!

Valerie Gutierrez said...

After reading all these comments, especially from men, it saddens me to hear that women are valued by the way they look. When their young and beautiful, their of great value and worth, when they age and become less attractive, their value as a person decreases. When will this mindset change? I think this way of thinking is outdated and backwards. Can these men think of mothers, sisters or daughters that way? How would they feel if they see their fathers leave or cheat on their mothers because their worth is based on their attractiveness....who can base value like this on another human being. I think this mind set is the foundation for sex crimes, sex trafficking, violence against women....and more extremely, children. If a marry a man like this, what will he tell his daughter about relationships, men in general? The whole hypothesis of "its just how men are" is bullshit.....it doesn't excuse bad behaviour and there is such thing as evolving. Our attitudes and ways of thinking have changed so dramatically in the last decades and centuries. I hope women will be better respected in the near future.

Valerie Gutierrez said...

After reading all these comments, especially from men, it saddens me to hear that women are valued by the way they look. When their young and beautiful, their of great value and worth, when they age and become less attractive, their value as a person decreases. When will this mindset change? I think this way of thinking is outdated and backwards. Can these men think of mothers, sisters or daughters that way? How would they feel if they see their fathers leave or cheat on their mothers because their worth is based on their attractiveness....who can base value like this on another human being. I think this mind set is the foundation for sex crimes, sex trafficking, violence against women....and more extremely, children. If a marry a man like this, what will he tell his daughter about relationships, men in general? The whole hypothesis of "its just how men are" is bullshit.....it doesn't excuse bad behaviour and there is such thing as evolving. Our attitudes and ways of thinking have changed so dramatically in the last decades and centuries. I hope women will be better respected in the near future.

Steve said...

Valerie, I don't think any of the men who called into the radio program or any of the men commenting here said they "value" their wives less, much less that they want to do so, and I'm quite sure you're right that they would probably not want to see their fathers "leave or cheat on their mothers." What these men have been saying, and certainly not in a boastful or even approving manner, is that they don't feel the attraction to their wives that they used to, and, if I'm not mistaken, some women have commented that they don't feel the attraction to their husband that they used to. And what I am saying is that I wonder whether people can choose to be or to remain attracted to someone and if they deserve to be blamed or even condemned if they can't.

Venus2 said...

@ Steve

Steve, most older men (after 35) are experiencing lower testosterone which makes it harder for them to get horny, therefore they think they need a new 20 yr. old to get excited.

Go get testosterone injections (BHRT) and you will wanna screw your wife again, assuming she still looks decent.

steve said...

My wife put on 60lbs over our 35 years of marriage. I always continued to exercise but she just couldn't bother. If she did it was spasmodic and expected me to pat her little head for doing a walk a fortnight. In the end her huge stomachs caused her mons veneris to point downwards - something I found so unattractive. I love her, she's a good wife and mother, but I look at (admittedly) younger women who are toned and fit and inwardly just sigh at things lost.
My biological need to reproduce is now gone so at least I don't care if I don't have sex with her. She does care, however, and she knows that I just don't fancy her anymore. I'll stay and treat her kindly but as for going out with her or even on holiday with her - well,I'll take off with some mates on our motor bikes given the choice

Anonymous said...

It drives me crazy when men assume that losing their physical attraction toward their aging chubby spouse is because they are wired to prefer youth and beauty. Guess what, women are wired that way too. I have many girlfriends with the same complaint. Most of us can't bear to tell our husbands why we don't feel like having sex. Women in their late thirties and forties in the town I live in take much better care of themselves than our husbands do. I am nine years younger than my husband and it was never a problem until he reached his upper forties. I just can't look at him sexually anymore. He still finds me very attractive but I do everything I can to avoid sex. I never tell him why because I don't want to be cruel. He is not obese, just has that middle age pot belly, lots of hair, wrinkles and lack of muscle tone. This is not just a male problem. This is a problem all people have to some extent. We all want to feel young and vibrant and it is difficult to feel that way when you look at your spouse and you see an aging man or woman. looking at a younger person and making love to them makes you feel younger. This is true for men and women alike!

Steve said...

I'm afraid I don't understand your point about it driving you crazy "when men assume that losing their physical attraction toward their aging chubby spouse is because they are wired to prefer youth and beauty" when you go on to say that you and many other women you know seem to be wired the same way.

Anonymous said...

I am a 29 year old female. I weigh 120 pounds and I am fit. I typically get checked out when I go places, and I am often asked out/ told I'm beautiful. BUT my boyfriend of 2.5 years is already looking at younger women and losing sexual interest in me. It bothers me that he surfs the internet ex. Facebook looking at other women while I'm dying to have some intimate attention.
I also look young due to not tanning. Most people think I am 24 or 25.
I honestly think men just have a hard time staying with one women.
I almost want to be single if this is only going to get worst as I age. Men should just be happy with they have.
For every women, a hundred men are wanting her. For every men, a handful of young women just want their wallet.

Anonymous said...

This is a problem rooted in our primitive baboon instincts, as a previous commenter called it. Men's desire for fertile women (and womens desire for men who are natural providers) are not childish, selfish, or mean spirited. It's simply biology. You can hate men all day long for the way they feel, but that won't make it go away. We live in a society with rules, so most men will not act on these impulses. But rest assured, EVERY heterosexual male desires young fertile women. Even if he loves his wife and kids, he cannot stop feeling desire for young fertile women. We need to recognize this biological mechanism and instead of make him feel like a piece of shit for feeling that way, we need to come up with solutions. Of course, if a woman wants to keep her man interested, she's going to have to remain sexy. I've seen plenty of sexy women in their older age. That won't stop a man's desires for other women, but it will help him stay true to the social pact (marriage) he entered into. Women, you have to try to get into the mind of a man. Just because you are still attracted to him after he gained 50 pounds doesn't mean he will feel the same way. We're wired differently. To compare apples and apples you have to pit a woman's beauty against a man's ability to provide. If a man marries a beautiful woman and then she lets herself go and puts on 40 pounds, it's the equivalent of a woman marrying a successful business owner and he suddenly decides to slack off his job, get lazy, and winds up losing his company and finding work at McDonalds. Yes, you'll stand by him because you love him and you took a vow, but be honest: will you still be as sexually attracted to your husband that works a low status job? We need to learn how to work through these biological impulses together. I think older women could embrace roll play, porn (let him have his fantasies with younger women), and lots of communication and understanding. Embrace the biology. Notice young beautiful women with him. You don't have to invite them home. Just acknowledge his impulses and understand that they truly are involuntary. He'll feel understood and supported and will be less likely to want to act on his feelings. Like it or not, this is the reality we live in. Our species evolved with these impulses and evolution takes a long time.

Mary Valentine said...

Poor, poor men who can't escape the reality that they are getting older and are disappointed that their wives are, too. My heart bleeds for them. I'm sobbing and choking and crying right this very minute.

Unbelievable. She gives you love, she gives you her youth, she gives you children, she sacrifices opportunities for you and what does she end up with? A man who's bored with her. Why, I ask, SHOULD she make herself "desirable" for you? What's so damned special about YOU? Do you go that extra mile to show her how much she means to you? Do you work hard to keep the romance alive in your relationship? Or are you actually stupid and shallow enough to just be interested in smooth skin and pert tits? Looks like a lot of you are just that shallow and vain.

Here's to the REAL men who DON'T act like creeps.

Anonymous said...

Im 49 yrs old, have been married for 25 yrs to my wife. Lately I have been falling out of love with my wife. This has been going on for well over a year now I think. When I noticed it, I got concerned and took a look at our relationship. At the time, she was always involved in solving other peoples problems, namely her dads. We went to counseling and she took it as I was trying to attack her. She soon learned that I was feeling I didnt want her anymore but wanted to fix this with her. We found out she was paying way too much attention with solving other peoples prblems and basically neglecting me and us. It's been over a yr. and a half and she hasnt changed much. Out of neccessity, shes had to step in and be her dads caregiver, help keep him from messing up his meds, health ect..well, like it or not, im neglected again. I work as a nurse and am surrounded by many young cute nurses. I have become somewhat attracted to many of them and keep wondering how nice it would be if I had a new exciting girlfriend or even was able to date again. I am in pretty good shape and people are real surprised to learn that im in my late 40's. I feel much younger, I run, I bike and lift weights. I think young. My wife on the other hand is more sedentery, has gained way too much weight to the point that my biology has shut off to her sexually. Im mean, I dont desire her! She gone alot, and when shes around, has not much new to share and I dont want to hear storeis about her fathers problems. We lost our connection and frankly, I dont care about getting it back this time. I want to have a new relationship with someone younger, fit and has a life! I dont think im bad for wantting this. I cant help how I feel, not being attracted to her anymore, and wanting a newer relationship with someone else. I feel trapped, alone and lost. Im not loking for pitty, help or a shoulder to cry on, just relating my experience. Vows or no vows, I fell out of love!

Anonymous said...

Hello, I am I only 24 been with my guy for six years, and in the last two years I have been seeing a change in everything we would go months with out sex he was never in the mood always tired or head ache we don't have kids either I might add we don't want kids. He was always in the mood if I offered head though. I would love to think im fun in bed always switching it up, dressing up he use to call me his little porn star. Now it's been two years nice he has told me im beautiful. Now im not fat im clean beautiful tan dark hair green eyes but still he gives me nothing. Reading everything on here makes me sad, I always have says humans are not monogamous by nature but I always felt maybe I was trying to kid myself. He says he is attracted to me he is very loving and affectionate lots of kisses and hugs and he loves to cuddle. So what is it, is he just bored and wants something new because he is still young. Honestly after reading what I have to look forward to I almost wanna tell him after 6 years it's over so I don't have to deal with the heart ache anymore and the heart ache of the future when im old and used up and no longer wanted by anyone. Life is a cruel world and marriage I do believe is a thing of the past because we are not ment for one person and the makes me sad because I love this man more then anything and to know that one day, or even now im not longer wanted because all I was good for was looks is heart breaking. I don't even know what to say im just confused now if I should live a life with a man and be unhappy or live a life without a man and be lonely.