Tuesday, June 20, 2006


From my diary.

It was hot yesterday, almost a hundred. But that's the norm for this area this time of year. I don't mind it much. We have air conditioning when we need it, but we mostly use just the fans. Fortunately, the air is usually pretty dry. That makes the heat easier to live with, even if my wife disagrees. My wife hails from a much balmier clime, and she despises the crackling dry heat of places like Las Vegas. Fortunately, we don't live in Vegas. I used to think that high humidity makes us sweat more and low humidity makes us sweat less. But what I learned recently is that we sweat pretty much as much no matter what the humidity. But when the humidity is higher, the air is so moist already that it can't draw as much sweat from our skin as it can when it's drier. So the sweat just stays on the skin and makes us feel uncomfortable instead of evaporating and making us feel better.

I say I learned this "recently." Actually, I learned it a long time ago. But then I forgot it. I forget a lot of things. Most of us do, I suppose. But I think I forget more than most. This can be very discouraging. I have a stockpile of books I've never read because, even though I want to learn what's in them, I'm convinced that if I read them, I'll forget what's in them, and the time I spent reading them will have been wasted.

Yesterday, my heart continued to bother me. Perhaps not quite as bad as the previous couple of days, but it still wasn't fun.
I have Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. It's a heart condition I was diagnosed with in my late teens. It sounds worse than it usually is, and very few people die from it. I take medication for it that keeps it very well controlled most of the time. But the last few days I've been having palpitations that have me a little on edge. I've gone through this before and things always returned to normal on their own. But I'm getting older, and I may not be as resilient as I used to be. But I still hate going to doctors and will probably ride this out unless I decide that I just can't, or my body decides for me. Actually, it's much better today. I've had very few palpitations. I hope it continues that way. Wouldn't you know it? Just after I wrote that, I began having more palpitations.

Yesterday, my wife and I went to the local humane society to look at cats. We already have one cat, but why settle for only one when we can have two? We saw a beautiful boy cat who looked a bit like the cat we have already, and I was really tempted to take him. But then I read on his papers that his owner gave him up because of "inappropriate urination." Now that is something my wife and I just don't need. Our own cat has been known to manifest this problem too, although he's been pretty good lately, and I don't want to deal with it in another cat or have it draw the same problem out of dormancy in my cat. Still, I felt sad when I walked away from that cat, because he's slated to be put down anytime, and I'm quite certain that this will be his fate, since nobody who reads what I read and understands it is likely to adopt a cat that pisses on the rug or furniture. This cat is only a year old and appears alert and intelligent and sweet. The more I write about him and think about him, the sadder I feel. I also think about all the kittens I saw there yesterday who will probably die before they've even begun to live. At least I hope they die painlessly and fearlessly. If they do, they might be better off than the ones who live. At least that's what I try to tell myself to assuage my sadness and guilt over not taking them all home with me.

We watched a little of the replay of the World Cup match between Italy and the USA. The final score was 1-1, which, I suppose, was something of a minor triumph for the USA team. I don't care for soccer. But my wife grew up with it, and love means trying to share interests with the person one loves.

Last night, we watched "Cops." I probably shouldn't, but I really like watching that show. I like watching all kinds of cops deal with all kinds of people in all kinds of circumstances and feeling that no matter how bad I may think I have it sometimes, I'm infinitely better off than some of the poor souls I see on that show. But then I feel sad that some people are so hopelessly lacking in intelligence and wisdom that they could live essentially like subhuman animals bent on virtually nothing more than drinking, taking drugs, fucking, and committing crime. Wouldn't they and the whole world be better off if they just crawled into a hole somewhere and died? But is that how I really want to think?


Anonymous said...

First, go to the doctors. Why be uncomfortable riding something out that a doctor can help you with? There is nothing noble in that...

Second, no the world and the people on Cops would not be better if it and they just crawled into a hole and died, that type of thinking is what got them into the position they are in. The world would be better if we embraced the righteousness of God.
John 10:9 "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full..." Jesus

Nagarjuna said...

Anonymous, thanks for your concern. I've stopped having the palpitations, as I always do over time.

I would like to agree with you that the individuals in question and the world at large would not be NOT better off if they died. But if you look closely at the harm they continue to do to themselves and others and at how utterly and completely lacking they appear to be in the ability to change, it's difficult not to regard their situation as being pretty hopeless.

However, I don't believe that we should ever truly give up on anyone or stop offering them the opportunity to change. This is one reason why I oppose capital punishment. I believe that no matter what terrible things one may have done, he still has the capacity for some measure of redemption for as long as he lives and should therefore be allowed to live as long as possible and encouraged to change for the better.

Jess said...

I just saw this and hope things are better for you. I haven't been online for quite a while and came here to catch up on you. Hope you are feeling a lot better since you posted this. If you haven't gone, you really should make an appointment just for prevention.
I too, feel that people have the capacity for change within them so I try to not rule everyone out. Drugs can make people a whole lot different than they really are with the effects they have on the mind. You only need to walk on the Embarcadero here where I am and see these people and how ravaged some of their minds are. I know it's hot up in your area right now so I hope you are staying cool with that 100+ weather up there.

Nagarjuna said...

It's good to see you back here or, for that matter, anywhere, Jess. I've missed you and been a little concerned about you. I hope things are going well for you.

Thank you for your concern. The palpitations went away, and I'm fine now. Just trying to get through these hot days as best I can. It was 105 yesterday and is supposed to be 106 today and 108 tomorrow.

Actually, I don't believe that everyone has the capacity to change. I think some people are so lacking in ability from the outset or they've so compromised their ability with drugs, alcohol, and other ways that their situation is essentially hopeless. However, it's not my place to judge who these unfortunate individuals are. To paraprahse a regrettably popular saying, "Love 'em all and let God sort 'em out."